Johnny's Mystical Time at Hogwarts
by Nights In The City
Summary: I stink at titles and summaries. Johnny gets a job offer that would ensure something for someone dear to him. No pairings yet. AU. Read and Review! This was originally in the Harry Potter section. JTHM crossover HP.
1. Dumblywhatever

Authors Note: Well, hello, I won't lie and say this is my first fan fiction, 'cause it's not. But it is my first JTHM fan fiction. So HA! Basically, I'm hoping to have a weird crossover thingy that won't really make any sense and will probably be badly written, since that's the kind of person I am. Anyways, On to this…THINGY!

"Well, what do I say?" Johnny sat across from a man with a long beard and a pointed hat.

"I would hope you would say yes."

"I can't very well give up my life, you realize?"

"Well, we need someone like you here. We need you to keep the students in line."

_Stop pretending you don't want to, Nny. _Said Mr. Eff

_But, how would I continue the killings? How would I keep Squee safe? How would I keep the wall wet?_ Johnny replied.

_The beast will contain itself. Don't worry. Never worry, you know I'm your friend. You know I will protect you._

"Fine. I'm in. What will I do?"

Well, we have been having a problem with a man named Voldemort. Not to mention some of the students are trying to let him gain access, which is something we can't have. Also, if you are willing, I would like it very much if you could teach some of the students self-defense."

"Umm, Dumbly-whatever, I'm not defensive, I'm offensive." Said Johnny, not exactly realizing what he said.

"But, you could teach them how to handle themselves without wands. Which is something they, unfortunately, need."

"Oh. Well, will I teach them on a dummy? Or can I use live people?"

"I think that a dummy would be best." Dumbledore winced at the thought of all of his students going insane from watching too many of Johnny's murders.

"How will I get here?"

"I will find you when it is time. Expect me in two weeks or so."

"Okie-dokie," with that Johnny the Homicidal Maniac walked out of the door and wandered the halls of Hogwarts School Of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

A/N: Okay, first chapter, I don't really expect very many reviews considering no one EVER reviews my suck-ish stuff. But I will give you a Squee plushy if you do! -!


	2. Is It Ignorant Or Arrogant?

Disclaimer: Now, should I kill you now or later for being such a dumb ass? Well?

A/N: Reviewers get Pepito plushies. YAY! Everyone LOVES PEPITO!

Johnny walked around the Hallways for a good two hours before running into someone.

"Watch where you're going!" Said a man with greasy hair and a hooked nose.

"Why should I? You could have just as easily not bumped into me." Johnny didn't even bother looking up fully before he reached into his jacket to pull out his favorite knife.

"Who ARE you anyway?"

"I could ask you the same thing." Johnny pulled out his knife and before the man could do anything he was holding it to his throat.

"I work here. I teach potions."

"I work here. I teach defense."

"Hmm, I highly doubt you'll last long. No one who teaches Defense Against the Dark Arts does."

"I don't teach THAT! I can't even do magic!"

"So, you're a muggle," the last word spoken with obvious distaste.

"Would you like to change your choice in words? I DO have a knife to your throat, O smart one."

"No. You are a muggle. It's not a degrading term. It MEANS you don't have magic."

"You spoke the word as though it were a slimy hair ball you coughed up."

"Maybe it's because you're a muggle and that means I am better than you."

"Oh, you wizards, so high and mighty. If anyone's better than me, it is most CERTAINLY. NOT. YOU!"

"Oh? And why is that?"

"Because, you are just another arrogant, superficial, thing. If you were actually better than me, you wouldn't claim that you were. You would keep your mouth shut. You are nothing more than another person who will find his way to hell in the after life."

"Don't call me arrogant."

"I'm sorry, not arrogant, that's the wrong word…ah! The word I was ACTUALLY looking for was _ignorant_, you'll have to pardon the mistake." Johnny pushed the knife a little bit further into his throat.

" I could kill you in a heartbeat."

"Well, I no die. What about that? I can never ever die. HA!"

"That's what you say now. But soon you'll be meeting your maker!_ AVADA-_" The last word was cut off as Johnny hit him with the blunt of his knife.

"Finally, he shuts up, and I only had to knock him out!"

_You're forgetting something very important, Nny._

_What's that?_

_How are you supposed to get home?_

"I'll just go ask the Headmaster!" He shouted out loud. With that, Johnny spent another hour hunting down the Headmaster.

"Johnny, my boy, what are you still doing here?"

"I don't know how to get home." He said blandly.

"Oh, of course. I'll help you," he pulled out his wand a candy wrapper, "_Portus, _just put your finger on it and you will be transported home."

Johnny timidly reached out, then pulled back at the last second. "Headmaster?"

"Yes, my boy?"

"Can I bring someone with me?"

"Ah, I was wondering when you would ask, of course Todd can come."

"Who?"

"Sorry, of course Squee can come."

Johnny put his finger on the wrapper, felt a pull on his navel, and then he found himself at his home. 777. With the sign on the lawn saying "Don't walk on the lose soil" in big, bold, dripping black letters. With the sign on the door stating "Knock on me, I dare you" in the same writing. With the doorbell attached to his favorite, always full torture device so that he could hear human screams when someone came a-knocking. Sick to some, home to him.


	3. Fun Time With Squeegee!

Author's Note: Well, today I am very cheerful because I now have JTHM: Director's cut and SQUEE's Wonderful Big Giant Book of Unspeakable Horrors and I also have Filler Bunny numbers one and two. And I officially LOVE Cherry Slushies from 7-11. There's only one 7-11 where I live (not because it's remote, just the opposite in fact.) So, without to much further ado, Chapter number three. Anyone who reviews gets a Filler Bunny plush complete with severe intestinal damage and Butt Monkey!

Johnny climbed through the window and almost fell onto Squee's bedroom floor. He was so nauseous, that stupid THING that got him home churned him up as though he was spinning in circles for hours after drinking a bottle of vodka. Walking over to where Squee was, he tapped the little child on the shoulder. Squee's eyes opened and widened when they saw who had woken him.

"Hello, Squee," Johnny said a gently as a psychopath could.

"H-hello, Nny," Squee's voice shook from fear of what could happen to him.

"Squee, would you please reconsider the thing?"

"Please, don't kill my parents…"

"I won't, but please, you could end up like me if you live like this any longer."

Squee took that to say that Johnny was going to kill him, and so, he reacted the only way he knew how.

"SQUEE!!!!!!!!" He screamed and tried to run out of the room, only to find Johnny blocking it.

"Stop, calm down! I won't hurt you for Pete's sake!"

The fearful noise was still coming out of his mouth, though it had quieted down to a murmur.

"I was talking about taking you in. No killing. I want you to come with me to England. I'm going to teach little kiddies like yourself how to defend themselves against evil wizards who could kill you in a second. Wouldn't that be fun?" Johnny tried to smile in a reassuring way, but it came out as a maniacal grin.

_You should set him on fire, my son,_ said Squee's voice Shmee, _burn him down, kill him, he causes nothing but problems for you._

_No. He's my…friend..._

"So?"

"Yeah, sure…I'd love to."

"Great, pack your things. I'll get you when the Headmaster comes for us." Johnny was bouncing up and down, and rubbing his hands together. "This'll be great. The students will all be older than you, but you are probably smarter than them. Also, when things talk to you there, it doesn't mean you're crazy, it means you're just like everyone else…everyone…" Johnny's mood disintegrated from pure joy to a case of severe depression.

"N-Nny? Are you okay?" Squee's eyes went wide with fear. He saw a show about things like this happening on the Discovery Channel…would Johnny do what those people did? Would he hurt himself? What would happen?

"I'm going home." Johnny jumped out of the window landing smoothly on the dead grass that Squee called his front yard.

Unbeknownst to little Todd Casil, his neighbor wouldn't do anything. He would not eat, drink, sleep, or think. Not even move. He would be who he was and ignore the world and everything until the Headmaster came to get them.

Two weeks passed by rather quickly for Johnny and Squee. Johnny got home and packed all of his clothes and his most valued possessions and then sat down and waited for two weeks to pass.

Squee, on the other hand, packed up and then went about life as usual. He was on summer break, so he didn't have to go to school. But every day Pepito would come over and drag him out side where he would cause chaos and destruction and Squee would just watch, flinching every time someone's head was disintegrated.

"When are you leaving?" Pepito asked one day.

"I don't exactly know. All I know is that if I'm not packed Johnny'll be mad at me. I don't like it when he's mad."

"Don't be afraid of him. He's just a loser butt, he can't do anything to you, he doesn't hurt children. Both of us know that I would be long dead if he did!" Pepito tried to give an encouraging smile, but he just couldn't pull it off, it came off as hateful instead.

"Well, I guess. Do you think you could come with me? Everyone'll be older than me, I'll be all alone. I don't like being alone."

"Ask Johnny. He's the one who invited you." Squee sat down on the burning sidewalk and thought about it.

"I don't care what he says! You're coming with me!"

"That's right, amigo! We'll terrorize them to no end! Squee and Pepito! The two amigos together forever!"

Authors Note: So??? Well??? Did ya like it? Did ya? Did ya? Anyways go ahead, review. To tell the truth, Flamers really won't hurt me. So yeah, go, give me flamedge! Woohoo! Tell me what you wanna see! Tell me who you wanna see! What relationships shall there be? Shall we see some Nny/Minerva action? Maybe Sevvy will find some time? What do you want?


	4. WAKE UP!

Author's Note: Okay then, this will be chapter four. Usually I write these after I write the chapter but I decided that I will instead write this first. I've been kinda miserable today. I had a very Johnny moment. I realized that I don't really have any friends. I don't know what I meant by that, I think it's just that people seem so artificial and fake. Even me. I swear, I hate the fudging summer! Everyone claims that you're this or you're that but they don't really know you! I can't say that I'm fine without being contradicted. So, I know that you're not here to hear about my wee little problems so…ON TO THE NNY LIKE GOODNESS! Also, I was thinking, has anyone noticed how much Squee and Harry are alike? Also, also, I'm giving out Jimmy plushies, complete with mofuglyness and zits.

It was an oddly cold day for mid-August, but then again, Nny was always cold.

_So, are ya gonna bring us with you? Or are you going to let us collect dust?_ Mr. Fuck was in an exceedingly bad mood. Johnny kept on getting all sad and annoying.

_Leave him alone, the best place to wallow is in one's misery._ Psycho-Doughboy was the exact opposite, he was so happy, he could sing a little song. Which he did.

_Johnny's gonna kill himself,_

_Doodah, Doodah,_

_Johnny's gonna kill himself,_

_All the Doodah Day!_

_Born to die tonight!_

_He won't see Sunday!_

_Johnny's gonna kill himself,_

_ALL THE DOOOHHHDAAAAHHH DAAAAAYYY!!!!!!!!!_

_SHUT THE FUCK UP!_

"I'm not going to kill myself. I have to be here to save Squee from being me!"

"No, you don't." Mr. Eff hated talking out loud, but he felt that it would make his words seem more real. He CARED about Johnny, Doughboy only cared about the Master. He truly wanted to live Johnny's life, but he also wanted Johnny to be okay. He was his friend. (Amazing, I can talk about friends when I have none myself **insert cheesy smiley**)

"Yes, yes I do. I don't want him to end up like me, cold, miserable and alone."

"But I'm here for you, Johnny. I like to see you happy. I truly do! I know you will never believe me though." At that moment, little Squeegee decided to knock on the door.

"Nny? It's me, Squee, I need ta ask ya something." His voice reminding Johnny of how he had corrupted this little child.

"C'mon in, the door's unlocked." Johnny heard the door being gently pushed open, then he heard Squee's trademark noise.

"SQUEE!!!!!!!"

He had forgotten that the remains of that terrible human being were still all over the place.

"Oh shit!" He ran out to the door and pushed Squee out, while slamming the door behind him.

"U-um, I was just gonna ask if I could bring Pepito with me. He…he REALLY, REALLY wants ta go."

"Um, yeah, sure. As long as his parents are okay with that."

"Y-yeah, h-he already asked them." Johnny didn't really like Pepito, but at least this way Squee would have SOMEONE his age.

"Well, I think that we're leaving tomorrow so tell him to pack anything he'll need for nine months. We won't be coming back for anything." He knew that he was lying, but he felt like he was going too soft. He needed to kill a fucking Cheerleader. They always screamed a lot. And the ones with big boobs had lots of blood to paint the wall with.

The next day, Johnny woke up from the first sleep he'd had since last month, to see Dumbledore standing over him.

"Well, hello, my dear boy, how are you?"

"Ummm…is this real? Who're you?"

"Johnny, I'm the Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I'm assuming you are packed?"

"Oh, oh yeah, I'm packed. I just have to get Squeegee and Pepito."

"Ah, yes, I forgot that little Todd had decided to bring Pepito. I do believe they will have quite a lot of fun." The Headmaster's eyes began twinkling. "To think, they're so young, but will be so great. Just like you."

"Squee will never be like me. No one ever will. I don't want anyone to be like me."

"To think, you don't see the greatness in you. Don't shun it, love it. You, like so many people before you, have a great mind. You can still be great. Ignore those who say you are nothing. They are nothing."

"Thank you. But, really, I kill people. Is that REALLY great?"

"Actually, yes, yes it is. You kill those who cause the great ones to fall, with the exception of one person. Do you remember Edgar?"

"Yeah, I shouldn't have killed him."

"But it's too late to change that. What's done is done."

"So…yeah, I'm just gonna go and get them…" Johnny left his house and crawled through the tunnel between his and Squee's house. He climbed up the stairs slowly and carefully, cracked open the door, and found Squee and Pepito asleep on his bed. Curled up in that cute way that only children five and under can pull off. He slowly walked over them, leaned over and screamed "WAKE UP!" at the top of his lungs, straight into Pepito's ear. He may have to drag him along, but that didn't mean he couldn't have some fun with it.

Author's note: Um, did you like?

I promise, the next chapter will be interesting.

Reviewers get a red velvet cake in the shape of Jimmy's head to go along with the Jimmy plush.


	5. Insanity LOVES Friends, and waffles

Author's Note: Well, even though I don't get many reviews I's is still gonna update as efficiently as possible. I got's a lot's of tests. They's is being very easy. Now then, back to proper English. Meow, meow, meow cat chow. So, in this chapter we have the amazing entrance of Johnny, Squeegee and Pepito into the Wizarding World! Watch your left shoe and hear your right foot, people, they tell you things!!

"We will be traveling by bus to where we need to be. Is that alright?" Dumbledore wasn't too sure that he should bring Johnny on the Knight Bus Johnny might kill Stan. Stan was a very valuable person; he over heard a lot of things while working on that bus.

"Um…sure? I haven't ki…ridden on a bus in a while." Johnny made sure that everything that he would need for a year was packed. Knives? Check. Bow and Arrow? Check. Tongs? Check. Skettios? Check. He was ready. He'd even given the wall a special coat last night.

FLASH BACK!!!!!!

(If you no like graphic violence, please skip down)

All he wanted was a nice, tall, Cherry Doom Brainfreezy. It would be his last one for nine months! Really, that bitch was asking for it.

"FREAK!" She was wearing all pink and was across the street getting fall to the floor sloshed. And she called HIM a freak? Johnny closed his eyes, remembering that this was supposed to be fun. He smiled his sick, twisted grin. She would pay. Who was she to judge him? She was a drunken teenager. So, he followed her. She was finally deserted by her friends, and he cornered her.

She slipped down a dark alley.

"You shouldn't go down dark alleys at three in the morning." Johnny held his knife behind his back, prepared to strike. He wasn't aiming to kill her, just to knock he unconscious.

"Who're you?" Her voice was slow and slurred as she stumbled and turned away.

"I'm Freak, according to you." His anger uncontrolled, he struck her with the butt of the knife. He lifted her up with considerable ease, and strolled home unnoticed by the stragglers.

By the time she was hooked up to a machine, she was moving.

"Where 'm I?" Her voice told of an unspeakable headache.

"You are at your final resting place." Johnny came out from the dark corner he was hiding in.

"Why'm I here?"

"Why're you talking to a freak?" with the last word Johnny pulled down a switch. She was release from the machine and fell to the floor.

"Do I, like, know you?"

"Well, you must, after all, you felt it was your fucking responsibility to tell me who and what I am." He pulled out a machete. He walked over to where she was lying and cut all around her head. Not deep enough to kill her, just enough so that he could pull the skin from her face.

"Your face is very beautiful. It's like a work of art. I'm sure it would look better if it had nothing attached to it. I'm sure you want me to free your face." He began to peel the skin off with a burning hot poker. Digging it under the skin and pulling upwards. He pulled and peeled until all of the skin was off. All the time she was screaming to be let go. "I would feel bad if I left you alive as a FREAK!" He stabbed her eyeballs with a carving knife, being careful only to take out the iris and pupil, leaving the rest of them in her skull, still able to feel pain. "I love the color of your eyes, I will preserve it forever."

Then, he ripped off her fingernails one by one, making sure not to chip the hideous pink polish. "And your nails, so flawless…I will keep them until the end of time. You really have a shrill voice. Oh well, I can fix that. I can keep you perfect." He ripped out her vocal cords and shoved them in her throat.

"Well, now you can't see or speak evil. Let us get rid of that pesky hearing thing…No, no I'll save that for last." He removed the skin from her fingers and plugged up her nose with it. Then, grabbing a bucket, he cut her open and began to bleed her. She went into death spasms and got shit all over him.

"Great, now I have SHIT all over me!" He ran to his bathroom and took a quick shower, God, how he hates excrement. Then he returned to get the bucket and painted her portrait on the wall with her blood.

END FLASHBACK!!!!

"So, yeah, let's GO!" He held Squee's hand on one side and Pepito's on the other. They walked out of the house and Dumbledore called for the Knight Bus.(hee hee. I almost typed but-.)

"I am assuming you can control yourself?" Dumbledore said.

"They're kids, not monkeys, they can control themselves."

"Alright then, hold on tight everyone."

ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ

Two hours later, they arrived at a cul du sac.

"I thought we were going to Hogwarts…"

"No, we have to do some things there…it's not yet ready to have anyone living there again. It won't be until September."

"Oh, what happened?"

"Some wards fell, we just need to let it build its strength. Other wise there will be no school." Dumbledore passed each of them a paper. "Read this to yourself, and then give it to me."

Each did so.

"What was that about?"

"Well, we can't say it out loud." Dumbledore burnt the papers, then waved his wand. "Welcome to Grimauld Place."

They walked up the small path to the Suburban home and walked through the door.

"Ah, hello, Molly, would you get the kids down here, I would like them to meet some people."

"Of course Albus." The lady walked away and up the stairs.

"Be careful to not make too much noise." With that, Dumbledore walked down the hall.

(A/N: I was just gonna end it here, but I decided I want this to be longer. So, therefore, I probably won't get this chapter up until Monday…I think.)

"Why?" The second Johnny said that, Squee decided to scream at the top of his lungs. And the, a portrait of a woman started screaming and cursing.

"FILTHY MUDBLOODS! SOILING THE MOST ANCIENT AND NOBLE HOUSE OF BLACK! YOU FILTH ILL BREAD SCUM! LEAVE THIS INSTANT!"

"SHUT! UP! You stupid old HAG!" A man with scraggly long black hair walked out and pulled the curtains to the portrait closed. "Hello, I'm Sirius. Sirius Black."

"I'm Johnny," Nny wasn't sure what to make of this guy, but he seemed decent enough. "You can call me Nny, though."

"I'm Todd."

"Hello, Senor Black, I am Pepito." Johnny rolled his eyes. That little monster was planning something…he fucking HATED that kid.

"Nice to meet you all!" He said cheerfully. At that moment, a person came up behind him and smacked him in the head. "What the bloody hell was that for?"

"I was bored. No good books. Your house is so stinking BORING!"

"This is Remus. He usually isn't like this. He's just had about two gallons of Chocolate Milk."

"Remus, what have I told you about that?" The red headed lady from before came back down with...six teenagers trailing after her. "Hello, again. Kids, this is Johnny."

"Hey." Said one boy with messy black hair and big round glasses.

"Hello, I'm Johnny. To my left you will see Squee, next to him is Pepito."

"I'm Ron." One of the red heads said.

"I'm Fred." Said one of the twin red heads.

"I'm George." Said the other.

"I'm Ginny." Said the only female teenage red head. 

"Hello, I'm Hermione. It's nice to meet you."

"It's nice to meet you too."

"Johnny, these are some of the kids you are going to be teaching." Dumbledore said for no reason.

"Are you our new DADA teacher?"

"Nope, I'm gonna teach you how to defend yourselves."

"That's DADA. Defense Against the Dark Arts."

"I'll be teaching you how to defend yourselves with weapons. Like knives and stuff."

_Very articulate, Johnny boy. They aren't idiots, you don't need to dumb yourself down…_

"I'm not."

"'Scuse me?"

"Sorry, I forgot where I was for a second."

"I know how that feels." Harry smiled a little bit.

"Yeah, it starts to freak even me out after a while, though..."

"I can understand that."

Johnny had a feeling that he would get along with this kid very well.

Authors Note: That's IT! I'm sick of this chapter! It keeps on giving me problems. I had another two pages that got deleted because my STUPID LAPTOP bugged out and Word crashed! ME ANGRY! It was TWO THOUSAND WORDS!!!

I'm sorry, but this is all I'm writing for right now. I'll start the new chapter though…

I had this whole great conversation with Doughboy and Mr. Eff and Johnny was about to kill himself but NO! My stupid frigging laptop!


	6. Mrs Weasley's Scary!

Author's Note: I'm bored, and it's three in the morning, and I can't sleep. Therefore, I will write this chapter. After going back and remembering what my last chapter was, of course. Happy Noodle Boy plushies to my reviewers…um, yeah, I'm too tired for true coherent thoughts…I think…where DID the last chapter leave off…? Okay, well, I'll just include the things that were destroyed because of my STINKING LAPTOP!

"So, can someone show me to my room?"_ PLEASE let me have my OWN room!_

"Unfortunately, we are a little bit low on space, so, if you wouldn't mind, could you bunk with Harry and Ron?"

"No, no problem at all." _Where in the fucking WORLD did THAT come from?_

_You dumb fuck, you don't want to be alone! _Mr. Eff was in an unpleasant mood. Of course anyone would be after being jostled around for two hours. In a suitcase full of various weapons and smelly clothes.

"Just, shut up, you stupid…thing." _Fucker Mcfucky Fuck Fuckums…the third..._He forgot that sometimes his internal conversations become external on his part.

"Who do you want to shut up?" _So I see I have no chance of having that over looked…_

"So, who's Harry?"

_Must be the black haired kid, he's the only one who didn't introduce himself._

Of course seconds after Mr. Eff stated that, the black haired boy stepped forward.

"Hey. Sorry 'bout that, 'm so used to people just knowing me."_ So either he's isolated or he's famous…_

_Probably famous, he seems kinda arrogant._

_But maybe that's just a mask that he uses…_

_Like your SANITY mask?_

"I don't HAVE a sanity mask, you little turd."

_Good job dip shit, make a total fool of your self! I want these friends for you more than YOU do! Stop fucking everything up!_

"Anyways, can I just go to the room? I need to unpack." With that, he was shown to a room and left to his own devices.

ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ

"Shut UP! JUST SHUT UP! I hate you both! I'm doing this now LEAVE ME ALONE!" Johnny held the gun up to his head.

_STOP! YOU DON'T WANT THIS!! AFTER ALL THE FUCKING BULLSHIT I'VE GONE THROUGH WITH FOR YOU! NO, YOU ARE __NOT__ GOING TO FUCKING RUIN IT FOR ME! NO GODDAMN __WAY __WILL I LET YOU DO THAT!_

_Johnny, do it. It's the only way to get eternal peace. That's what you want, isn't it? To be HAPPY, to only feel GOOD, but you can't get that in this life, pull the trigger. Then, you, my boy, will be happy forever._

"I want to go…to go…to the same place as last time…over the stars…that'll be great. Over the stars, I won't be truly alone…I'll be happy." As he was about to pull the trigger, he heard a knock on the door.

"Open up, I have to get something."

"One second." He'd forgotten that this wasn't just his room. Seeing as he couldn't really let anyone see the gun or knives, he would have to hide them. So, he tucked the gun and his favorite knife under the pillow and opened the door.

"Took you long enough. What makes you think you can just come in here and take over?" It was the boy with the black hair. And he thought they could become friends. He sounded like Mr. Eff. Fucking insane Doughboys….

"Maybe I was just doing something personal?" Well, it was kind of the truth.

"Mmhmm. Sure. Anyways, it's dinnertime, Mrs. Weasley prepared a lot of food for you."

"Why?"

"You're a stick."

"Well, so are you!"

"But you're taller and skinnier. She's not a bad cook or anything!"

"I brought my own food."

"Still, at least be courteous, she's just trying to be nice."

"Fine, whatever."

As they walked down the hall, Johnny spotted some of the portraits staring at him with disgust.

"What're you looking at, you stupid painting?"

"Don't talk to them. They'll just get all bitchy."

"I could kill you in two seconds. I think I can handle a couple of paintings."

"I could have your soul sucked out. So, whatever."

"You need to work on your anger issues."

"And you don't?"

"I never said I didn't. But I know where anger issues can land you." He gave Harry a twisted grin to show that he wasn't one to mess with.

"Whatever."

"You use that word too much. It's annoying." He knew that he sounded like a petulant two year old but this kid was so funny to wind up.

"We're here."

"Hello, everyone." He tried to smile politely but it turned out as a grimace.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, um, where do I sit?"

"Just sit anywhere, it doesn't matter." One of the red headed twins said.

_This is your chance, interact, be NORMAL. For the both of us._

"So, what's for dinner?"

"Shepard's Pie, Roast Chicken, Stew, Roast Potatoes, a little bit of everything."

"Do you have any skettios?"

"What?"

"Little round pasta noodles."

"I'm afraid not. Sorry."

"Oh, it's okay, that's just about the only thing I've eaten in a long time, I rarely eat anything else, so it'll be a nice change!" He gave the first normal smile since the Devi Incident.

"So, what do you do for a living?"

"Um…pest control." _Close enough._

"Oh, so you kill bugs?"

"Not really, only one. I specialize in a different kind of pest control."

"Oh. So, why did Dumbledore hire you?"

"I am very knowledgeable with weapons. He wants me to teach the students how to defend themselves and also I would provide security."

"Hmm, so, what are your views on politics?"

"I don't follow them."

"Where are you from?"

"Brazil. It's very…nice."

"Well, the weather here will be a bit of a change for you, I guess."

"I am very adaptable. My home is mostly underground. It's very cold down there."

"Did you here about the massive amount of people who are randomly disappearing?"

"I've heard a little. But, really, I don't worry too much about it. There's no point."

"Do you know anyone who was abducted?"

"I met all of them in passing, actually."_ You busy bodies._

"We have a problem that is somewhat like that."

"Oh, really?"

"Yes, people are getting abducted by the Death Eaters and killed. But it's nothing like what's going on over by you. I heard that the few bodies found were drained of all blood. Sounds like you have a very nasty vampire problem."

"No, I believe that the person, or persons, who is doing this is using the blood for something else. Maybe they use it for a sick form of art or something. But I doubt that they are drinking it."

"So, what do you enjoy to do in your spare time?"

"I'm the author of a comic strip called Happy Noodle Boy, it's very popular amongst the Homeless Insane, and I also practice with my knives. And the occasional movie is fun."

"Ah, well, we'll have to see this comic someday."

"I don't think that you would like it very much." _FUCK! Remind me NEVER to open my loud mouth EVER again?_

_Will do El Capitan._

"Oh?"

"I believe Dumbledore has read them though…you can ask him if he thinks you would like them,"

"So, how did you acquire this job?"

"Um, I got a letter from Dumbledore requesting my services. We discussed the matter at the school and I decided to give it a try. I don't know how good I will be but I do plan on teaching people something." _Even if it is teaching them that I don't fuck around. That I WILL tear them limb from limb if given half a chance. Fuck, if given an eighth of a chance._

_Shut the fuck up. You know you can't kill little kids._

_But I CAN and WILL kill teenagers…fucking wallowing in their angst…_

_Doesn't that sound like someone we know?_

_I don't wallow in teen angst._

_That's right, you wallow in young adult angst. The difference is totally clear._

"You stupid douche-bag."

"Excuse you?"

"Did I just say that out loud?"

"Yes, you did!" Molly Weasley was NOT the woman to anger.

"Um, pardon my language, I did NOT mean to say that! I swear!" Johnny wasn't a scardy cat, but this woman was scary!

"DON'T YOU EVER, EVER SAY THAT WORD IN THIS HOUSE EVER AGAIN! DO YOU HEAR ME? I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE A TEACHER, THAT IS NO WAY TO SPEAK IN FRONT OF CHILDREN! NEXT TIME YOU SAY _ANY_ EXLPICETIVE I WILL WASH YOUR MOUTH OUT WITH BOILING WATER AND SOAP!"

"I won't. I promise!" He was in a panic and was on the floor crab walking backwards.

"GOOD! Dinner is OVER!" She stomped out of the room and slammed the door, causing Mrs. Black to scream again.

"SHUT UP YOU STUPID OLD HAG!" Could be heard even from the distance that was between them.

"What in the world…"

"Nice, we've NEVER managed to get her THAT angry."

"We've come VERY close though."

"That's nice to know." Johnny dead panned. "I'm going to sleep."

"Night Johnny." Johnny turned around to see Squeegee looking at him with a mix of concern and fear.

"Night, Squeegee." With that Johnny left the room and began the assent to his shared room. He got there and plopped down onto his tiny roll away cot. Ten minutes later, Harry and Ron walked in.

"Hey, Johnny."

"Hello, Ronald."

"Please, call me Ron. I prefer Ron."

"Okay, Ron it is."

"You okay?"

"Yeah, why do you ask?"

"Well, you seemed kinda panicked when my mum yelled at you."

"Oh, I just got kinda shocked that's all, nothing to worry about. I'm not used to being around so many people."

"Why?"

"I like being more isolated."

"I don't think you'll like Hogwarts that much, then."

"Why not?"

"It's not what anyone would call 'empty',"

"Oh. Well, I can adapt. I just don't get very many people yelling at me. Really, the last person who got away with that is…"

"'Is'?"

"I don't remember who it was actually."

"Do you have a memory problem?"

"Kinda. I suffer from a few mental illnesses, I think…"

"Like what?"

"That's my business I believe. It's nothing you need to worry about though." _Yeah, being taught by an insane murderer who hears voices is NOTHING to worry about!_

_Well, I won't kill them. I've been sworn to protect them._

_You know DAMN WELL that that won't stop you, you fucking psychopathic bitch._

_Shut UP Doughboy! I'm NOT listening to you!_

_Of course not, that's why you keep on replying._

_I fucking hate you…_

_I love you too, Johnny-pooh!_

"Are you okay, you zoned out a little."

"Yeah, I'm okay."

"Wow, you and Harry are a lot alike!"

"How so?"

"Well, both of you kinda zone out sometimes…"

"And we're both pretty skinny."

"Yeah, but I'm not a wizard."

"So? That doesn't say anything about your personality!"

"Okay, fine. I just wanna go to sleep." Actually, he'd rather do anything else.

"Oh, by the way, sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night screaming. Just thought I should warn you." It was then that Johnny wished that he owned a pair of ear plugs.

"That's okay. I am a deep sleeper." _Compared to what, a shark?_

_No, compared to nothing. I'm not going to sleep. Just pretend to be sleeping if they wake up._

_Also, would you PLEASE take me out of this fucking BOX!_

_Fine, fine. Give me a second._

_1...YOUR SECONDS UP!!! GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!_

_Me TOO!_

He walked over to the trunk that he packed all of his things in (yep, he owns SO much!) and pulled out Psycho Doughboy and Mr. Fuck.

"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL ARE THOSE THINGS!" Ron shouted.

"Introducing, Doughboy," he picked up the one with the white hat and swirly-hypno-eyes, "And Mr. Fuck." He picked up the one with the black hat and empty –looking white eyes.

"What ARE they?" Harry said.

"Styrofoam, duh!" Johnny stated as though it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"What's stypofloam?"

"No, it's STY-RO-FOAM. It's a non-biodegradable material. It's gonna kill the planet."

"You don't sound to sad about that."

"Well, everyone dies. That's just the way things are! Why delay the inevitable?"

"Wow, and I thought Sirius was a nut case."

"Don't call him that!"

"Don't call who that?"

"Don't call Sirius that! He's not a nut case!"

"Oh, shut up Harry, you know he's kinda off his rocker."

"There's no such thing as sanity."

"Of course there is."

"No, sanity is relative."

"Are you sure?"

"Well, in my world they are."

"And what's the difference between your world and the world that every one else lives in?"

"Well, everyone has a world that they live in. Our personal worlds should be made out of our personal opinions and beliefs." _That's why it's okay for me to kill._

"Oh, I get it. See, since we all have different perspectives on things, it means that we all view things differently. And since this is the way things work, we all live in personalized worlds."

"Exactly."

"Um, yeah, can we go to sleep now? We have to be up early." Ron said, making it clear that the entire conversation was making his brain hurt.

(A/N: I'll stop after ten pages, me loyal reviewers will be wanting dis soon!)

"Yeah, okay." Harry slipped into bed and vaguely wondered who had put a knife under his pillow. "Who put a knife under my pillow?"

"I thought that that was my bed so I stuffed that under there. I don't feel safe sleeping without some kind of weapon at hand."

_Nice lying._

_Fuck off, Mr. Eff._

_No chance you'll be depressed tonight is there?_

_NO Doughboy!_

_In that case, I'll talk to you, my friend, in the morning. And remember, the best place to wallow…_

…_Is in ones misery, thank you Dough-bitch._

"There's no need to call him Dough-bitch, Mr. Eff."

"Are you talking to those things?"

"Yes, do you have a problem with that?" _Skin and gut him, Johnny, please, for me?_

_NO! I'm not going to just say he's a terrible person and kill him! Besides, with all the people here, I would be caught!_

_No you wouldn't!_

_Yes, I would! Anyways, I'm gonna go out tonight after everyone's asleep. Don't worry. I'm not going to change._

"I know you won't, Johnny, I'm just worried that they will get to you."

"Um, who said that?"

"I did, you nimrods!"

"Johnny, why is the Styroform talking to us?"

"Because, Ron, he wants all of us to go crazy."

Authors End Note Thingy McWhatsits: So, this was chapter six. Yep, I know it took me for ever but here it is! I, personally, love the ending. It's so weird and strange. I was thinking that chapter seven will be more of an interlude. Like, before our belove-ed Nny goes out he'll write in his Die-ary. Do I hear any yays? How's about any Nays? AnyWAYS, I'll begin updating a LITTLE more often, seeing as summer's here and all. But I must warn you, I'm going to be going to camp towards the end of the summer, so no updates for three weeks. Sorry! I will miss writing for my belove-ed fans!

Three reviews gets next chappie up quicker btw!


	7. Dieary Entry

Author's Note: Okay, Chapter 6.5. That's what this is, kinda. It's a little look into Johnny's Die-ary. Okay? So, I don't know how long this'll be. Probably really long (not the chapter, the story.) I'm going to tell the truth, I haven't come up with some big, huge main thing. I don't do that. Someone'll probably die. There'll be some underlying tones of scary stuff. But I don't have some huge battle scene. I'm thinking that Johnny'll still go to Heaven and Hell. And I still don't know what relationships this'll have. But I did just come up with a hilarious scene that has Johnny or Squee walking in on Madame Hooch and Professor Sprout! It's REALLY disturbing and funny.

Dear Die-ary,

I have just remembered what food other than skettios and tacos tastes like. I had the most delicious meal, just t go ahead and spoil it. I don't know what makes me say the most embarrassing parts of my inner conversations aloud. I don't really like anyone here. Except for Sirius, those twins and Mrs. Weasley. And of course Squeegee. But, everyone seems kinda intrusive. It's annoying me! I don't know why it's annoying me so much, but I think it has to do with the fact that I can't just kill them anytime that I want. Also, I was going to kill myself a little earlier but, as usual, something disrupted it. This time it was that annoying mopey teenager, Harry. He's a real fuck face! I mean, I'm a guest and he starts getting all bitchy when I'm trying to do something private! It's people like him who make me want to kill! He's all high and mighty just cause he's some famous fucker! Well, really! I don't walk around all snooty and shit, just cause I kill people all the time! "O, look at me, I'm a big shot wizard-bitch!" And his friend Ron needs to learn a few things about subtelety! REALLY! This kid has the gall to call me insane! TO MY FACE! He's lucky we're all stuck here for a few weeks. If I knew how to get home I would have killed them all. But the twins seem okay, if a little goofy. They should do well in my class. Even if it takes a few 'detentions' for it to sink in that I'm not fucking around about this. I love the fact that I can't get caught. Anyways, I'm off to the streets of London to kill a few shmoes.

Yours Truly,

Johnny C.


	8. Snacks and Long Conversations

Author's Note: Well, yeah. I'm kinda fresh outta ideas…just give me a minute…okay; I'll just start up where I left off. Or, maybe not! BUM, BUM, BUM!!!! Man, I'm listening to the greatest most inspiring song ever!! It's been on repeat since about 11:30 and now it's almost two in the morn. Insomnia is FUN! Especially when mixed with weird carny-like music! It's Creature Feature's song The Greatest Show Unearthed. Man it's sooo creepy and amazing when mixed with art and JTHM.

(This is not for the faint of heart, but it's not quite as graphic as last time…well, I don't think it is…)

Johnny walked down the block to a little corner store and walked in. It was nothing like the ones near him…no Brainfreezys…no Senior Salsa chips. Nothing at all good looking. Just some icky sodas, no FizWiz. But, of course, one thing could NEVER change.

"Buy something or leave, _sir_." Said the store clerk who appeared to be a whale wearing a blond wig (yes, yes, I'm so very cliché.).

"I believe that I have a right to be here."

"Not unless you plan on buying something."

"Well, maybe I WAS going to buy something. But now I think I would rather not. I mean, what kinda convenience store is this? No Cherry Doom Brainfreezys, no FizWiz, no Senior Salsa. NOTHING! Just shit!"

"Well, I'm sorry,_ sir_, but I can't DO anything about that, so DON'T BLAME ME!" He raised a big meaty fist expecting to be able to knock Johnny out. Instead, Johnny pulled out his knife and chopped off his hand.

"You're the reason I like killing people. I mean, why should little fucks like you live when sweet, kind people, no matter how rare they are, live in fear because of you beasts. You're no better than anyone! Come ON! Get over yourself!" He chopped of the…THING'S other hand.

"REALLY, this is just disgusting. And I bet your parents condone it. Just like everyone else's parent would. It's sickening to see how far down the youth of today has fallen." He took the sporks out from the plastic wraps they were in and shoved one through one of the whale's nipples. (Wow, that made me feels sick…)

"WHY ME! Why do I have to deal with people like you!?" He knew that the fat turd wouldn't respond. But when he didn't, it still got him angry.

"WELL!? I ASKED YOU A QUESTION!"

"I-I don't know! P-please l-let me go!" The lard ball was bleeding profusely from one nipple and the nubs where his hands had been.

"THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH! I mean, come ON! You must have SOMETHING! Don't tell me you never hurt someone's feelings before tonight! DON'T YOU FUCKING TELL ME THAT IT"S NOT YOUR FAULT! YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID!" At least he could say he was truly sick in the head. What excuse did this fat fuck have? His parents are just like him? The public school system has corrupted his mind?

"YOU'RE RIGHT!" The fat lard was agreeing? That was something new to him.

"Who was it?"

"Me and my friends used to bully my cousin, Harry, 'cause he was a freak!"

"Who says he's the freak?"

"M-my p-parents…t-they told me that he wasn't human and that I didn't need to treat him like it! H-he was always smarter and better than me! And it made me feel bad and I thought, maybe, just maybe h-he wasn't human!" Wow, a break through…oh well, he'd still kill his fat ass.

"Why?"

"H-he did magical things. Things that aren't possible. H-he could turn people's hair purple and blue and he could do things that normal people can't. And he was always praised by the teachers and never did anything wrong in school. Except for a couple of times…"

(Cue the twilight zone music…now!)(I am dancing as I type, by the way.)

"Anything is possible." (For a Possible! Me and my unseemly interruptions!)

"I-I didn't know! I was young!"

"So? That doesn't mean that it hurt him any LESS! I swear people are so…UNPLEASENT!" He made a swiping motion with his knife and accidentally severed the kid's nose. "Aw FUCK!"

"By dose! By dose!" (Translation: My nose! My nose! If you didn't realize that…wow you are an idiot.)

"Oh, shut up! Most of the blood is on me! It's just a NOSE!" He didn't see why he cared so much. Not only was his nose ugly, but also he was gonna die anyways!

"But dat's by dose! I deed by dose!"

"NO YOU DON'T! YOU'RE GOING TO DIE ANYWAY! GET OVER IT! IT'S A NOSE! A FUCKING GODDAMN NOSE! DON'T TELL ME THAT YOU'RE SO INTERESTED IN YOUR PROPERTY THAT YOU CARE ABOUT A NOSE THAT MUCH!" That fuck faced testicle licker! (Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm SO crude.)

Needless after that the only thing coming out of that fat whale's mouth was little moans and particles of spit. After his nose, Johnny pulled out his Taze-E-Boy (Belongs to Jhonen…of course) and jammed it into his ear. Unfortunately, it was still set to 'Kill a Whale' from his last suicide attempt. Needless to say that was a HUGE mess. Really disgusting too.

"Aw, fuck. This is my favorite shirt!"

Walking to the house, he tried to wipe as much blood as possible off of him. When he arrived he noticed the house was gone.

_Wait…didn't I have to read that paper thing? Where be it? COME ON! What's that address… The Order of the Phoenix is located at…Number…twelve Grimmauld…Place…that's it!_ When he looked up, the building had appeared. He knew how to get in and out! Treading carefully, Johnny walked through the halls, being careful not to make a sound. Unfortunately, he wasn't the only one awake.

"Hello, Johnny."

"What're you doing up?"

"I have nightmares. It makes it hard to sleep peacefully. Not to mention I'm sharing a room with a crazy man loaded with weapons. But why should you care?"

"I never said that I did."

"Why're you covered in blood?"

"It's not blood."

"What is it?"

"It's whale blubber." _True enough._

_Just barely, what in fucks name are you doing?_

_Killing. It's who I am._

_Yeah, well, this kid is apparently the 'savior' so, you kill him, everyone hexes you and then you get your soul sucked out! So STOP!_

_NO. I don't like this little fuck. I don't need him fucking with me through the year._

_He's obviously a suck up! Just make his classmates adore you and no one will care. Johnny, come on. Kill BAD people. Kill the ones who REALLY hurt you, kill—_

_YOUR SELF! Johnny, kill yourself! You know that it's the only way to be happy. Don't put yourself through the torture of teaching teenagers. You don't deserve this. YOU DESERVE WORSE!!!! YOU SHOULD DIE!_

"SHUT THE FUCK UP DOUGH-BITCH!"

"Um. What the fuck?"

"YOU! YOU'RE ONE OF THEM! YOU'RE JUST LIKE THAT FAT ASS I KILLED! I'M WILLING TO BET THAT YOU WERE RAISED TO DISCRIMINATE AGAINST PEOPLE! WELL, JUST CONSIDER YOURSELF LUCKY! 'Cause I'm not gonna kill you. I could, but that would be stupid. I don't do stupid things. Stupid is something I did once; it made me do certain things that I now regret. But you wouldn't understand that. No one would."

_Teen angst. _Mr. Eff said in a singsong voice.

"Fuck off, you stupid piece of Styrofoam."

"So, you're not a wizard?"

"No."

"I know you were lying at dinner. What do you do?"

"I exterminate. I wasn't lying."

"Really? So, Hogwarts has a roach problem?"

"I wouldn't know."

"Well, then, you sir, are a liar."

"NO I'M NOT!"

"THEN WHAT DO YOU EXTERMINATE?!"

"People." Johnny's face twisted into a maniacal grin as he pulled out his smiley knives.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?"

"Oh, I'm not going to kill you. No, I'm going to teach you a lesson. Just like the lessons your classmates will have if they do not listen. I will teach them to be respectful. I'm sick of teenagers thinking that they can just walk all over people. For fucks sake, you're probably ten years my junior! And while I know I'll be the youngest teacher, I'm still in a position of authority. You and your little friends will know that I'm not here for you to fuck with. I'm here to teach you what I do. To teach you how to handle yourselves with weapons. And makeshift weapons. You know why? 'Cause I was guaranteed that it meant my little Squeegee wouldn't have any of my problems. None. He wouldn't want to kill himself or others. Shmee would stop telling him to set things on fire! He could be HAPPY! I'm gonna do what I can for him, cause he's like my little brother."

"Why would he be like you?"

"He's generally treated like shit. His mother doesn't know who he is, and his father makes it a point to tell him what a mistake he was. His only friend is the FUCKING ANTI-CHRIST!"

"Just 'cause you don't like Pepito doesn't mean you have to create stories."

"The child's father is Satan. Literally."

"Oh?"

"Yeah! Really, I could care less if you believe me. I'm still gonna teach you a lesson." With that, Johnny ripped open Harry's shirt and gave Harry a J shaped cut in the middle of his chest.

"WHAT THE FUCK!"

"It's superficial. If anyone find it, it'll just look like you were being a klutz and you tripped."

"YOU FUCKING PSYCHOPATH! YOU'RE MY TEACHER AND YOU ATTACKED ME!"

"Well, just remember, Harold, if I find out that you tell anyone, I will hunt you down and kill you. Not that telling on me will do any good. I never get caught. And if you ruin this for me, in any way shape or form, you'll be cut into so many pieces they'll have to put you together like a jigsaw."

"You expect me to believe that you would kill someone?"

"I did say that I would! But, of course, you do not believe me. They never do."

"They?"

"Well, I've been doing it for years! I'm not a newbie!"

"I didn't say that you were. You just don't seem like the murdering type. You seem more like a starved artist."

"I am. But I'm also a murderer. I'm only being honest with you because I know that you won't say anything."

"I still don't think you would kill me."

"But I would kill the people you are close to. I would torture you. I don't just stab people to death; I get creative with it. Just today, I stabbed someone through the nipple with a Spork. Would you like that to happen to you?"

"What's your problem?"

"Right now, you are. I'm not going to let you ruin anything for me." Johnny stalked out of the room knowing that he would just kill the brat if he stayed, and that would not do.

ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ

The next morning, Johnny sat up from staring at the ceiling for a few hours._ What a fucking horrible night._

_Why?_

_That fucking brat, Harry, keeps on fucking with me._

_You're over using the word fuck._

_So? Who cares?_

_Why are we talking in here? Let's talk out loud. Or why don't YOU talk out loud?_

"Point taken. What's wrong with that brat? He's purposely messing with my brain. He doesn't know what I can do. He's underestimating me."

_Why do you care? He's just a little teenager! He's lower than you!_

_No Harry's higher than Johnny. It's not worth it, Nny. Not at all. Concentrate on making YOURSELF happy. Not Squee. Squee is only scared of you! That's all you'll ever be to him, Johnny, a fear._

"I don't want Squee to fear me. I want him to feel safe, to feel loved. To be everything I'm not."

_But you can't stop it. He's already like you. We know you didn't mean it, but you messed up his life, Johnny. You should just end it all._

"Maybe…"

_Nny, you know he's just saying that! He just wants you to kill yourself. _Nail-Bunny contributed.

_I actually agree with him, for once. Johnny, we are your friends, not Doughboy. He just wants you to kill yourself._

"SHUT UP! ALL OF YOU! I'M SICK OF THIS NONSENSE! FUCK! Why can't it just end?" Johnny curled up in the corner of the room.

"Because, that's not the way the world works. Never has been never will be. People who did nothing wrong are dealt the worst hands while those who taunt and hurt them live their precious little lives. It's not meant to end. At least not when it's wanted to. It'll end when you're at your happiest and you want everything to continue to go on. The Fate's love to fuck people over." Harry had crossed the room and was crouched in front of Johnny, staring at him intensely.

"What do you know about that?"

"My parents were killed when I was one, I was raised in a cupboard, an evil wizard is after my blood and my godfather is a escaped convict. I think I know some stuff about it. What's your story, Johnny?"

"Please, call me Nny. Anyways, I don't remember my story, so no point in asking."

"What do you mean you don't remember?"

"I mean I remember nothing from my past. Only recent things. Nothing before a year ago, I think…"

"So, why are you so angry?"

"I just am. I'm like a magnet for teasing. It probably drove me up the wall and cause memory lapses. Something like that…but yeah, I remember enough about my childhood to say my story probably isn't so different from yours. Really, I only remember being yelled at. I guess that's why I have Psycho-Doughboy. He tells me to kill myself. Mr. Fuck tells me to kill other people and Nail-Bunny tells me to just relax and not to be so harsh. He's my little conscience."

"Who's Nail-bunny?"

"Oh, he's a little bunny I nailed to the wall a while back."

"Oh…" Harry's eyes went wide and he blinked a few times.

"You wanna meet him?"

"Um, no thank you."

"Okay, well, do you have any…advice for me?" He didn't know where he was going with the conversation, but he knew that it was going to be vastly interesting.

"Avoid Peeves. He likes to mess with people. Avoid the Slytherins, they won't take to kindly to a muggle working at Hogwarts, Merlin knows how they'll react to a muggle TEACHING at Hogwarts…"

"What are Slytherins?"

"Well, we have four school houses; Griffindor, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff and Slytherin. Griffindor is the brave house, Ravenclaw is the smart one, Hufflepuff is the loyal house and Slytherin is the so-called cunning house. I personally think it's more evil then cunning. But that's just one kids opinion." Harry held out a hand for Johnny to take.

"What house are you in?"

"Griffindor. But to tell the truth, the sorting hat wanted me put into Slytherin. Said I wanted to prove myself."

"Hmmm, so, from what you say, you're evil."

"No. I'm brave."

"No, you just said that Slytherin is evil and that the sorting hat wanted to put you in Slytherin. That makes you evil. Clear as day to me."

"NO! I'm NOT evil! I'm the…opposite of evil!"

"Mmhmm, that's why you were almost put in the 'evil' house,"

"Grrrrrr, never mind!"

"Do you really have THAT much of a problem with being associated with the word evil? I mean, you're not exactly the kindest person in the world. And also, what is one person's evil is another's kind. Really, you're judging people on a pretense that you don't even want to associate with yourself. That's a little unfair, doncha think?"

"Well, life's not fair, now then is it?"

"No, but just because life isn't fair to you doesn't mean that you have to be unfair to others."

"YOU'RE NOT FAIR TO OTHERS! For FUCKS SAKE you KILL people!"

"At least I'm under the illusion I'm doing the right thing. What's your excuse?"

"Same as yours. I give as good as I'm given."

"Oh, really?"

"The only difference is that you kill them Really, that's just taking things too far. Fucking sicko."

"I'm not a sicko."

"You're not, are you?" Harry said in a condescending way that said he thought anything but.

"No. By the way, never call me crazy again."

"I never did."

"Yes you did. You might not remember, but I do. I always do." At that moment, someone knocked on the door.

"Come in!"

Hermione opened the door with Squee clinging to her leg.

"He won't let go. I think he misses his home."_ No fucking way he misses that hell hole, he's probably worried that I kill Harry._ Squee let go of Hermione's leg and actually latched on to Johnny's.

"You okay, Squeegee?"

"N-nightmares…" Johnny picked him up and gave him a piggy-back ride down the stairs.

"Well, doesn't Shmee usually stop them?"

"I-I think I forgot him."

"Well, if you did, I'll get someone to get him for you." Johnny wasn't just some crazy man. He was Squee's quote un-quote 'older brother'.

"But, I thought you said we wouldn't go back for anything…"

"But that's not just anything…besides, I'm gonna check through everything you brought just incase. We don't want to have them go back for nothing. Are you sure he's not in the house somewhere?"

"I-I don't think he is…I can't remember if I had him yesterday…"

"I think you did…I'll check all around the house, okay? If I can't find him, I'll go back and get him for you. Okay?"

"Y-yeah…" Johnny put Squee down when they reached the kitchen.

"So, Squee, waddaya want for breakfast?"

"Um…"

"Here, just sit down and we'll bring you some food." Mrs. Weasley had taken a liking to both of little boys and Johnny. "We'll get some meat on those bones of yours."

"Thank you, Mrs. Weasley."

"Oh, please, Johnny, call me Molly!"

"In that case, feel free to call me Nny. Also, I would like to apologize once again for my language last night. I meant it when I said it would never happen again."

"Think nothing of it. I understand. You had a slip of the tongue. It happens to the best of us!" She said cheerfully. (Too cheerfully…)

"Oh, well, thank you…um, do you have any waffles?"

"I could make you some if you'd like."

"Only if it's convenient…I don't want to cause any problems…really, only if it's no trouble."

"No! Of course not! I'll have them done in a jiffy. And how about you, Todd?"

"Um, I'll have the same…" he sounded like he was unsure.

"Okay, give me a minute and you'll have some nice, fresh waffles."

Author's Note: Yeah, I know this chapter took a while, but, here ya go! It's about 2:35 (haha, 2+35…) in the morning and…yeah…still listening to The Greatest Show Unearthed…almost a week and it's still on repeat…XD…I'm angry cause I can't do my normal smiley face. But, yeah…tomorrow's Saturday. Or today is…I got my grades on Wednesday and I'm happy. Two eighty's and three eighty-fives, YAY ME! Dear god, I just quoted London Tipton! AHHHHHH!!!!!!!! I need to read more Johnny…I'm beginning to slip up on details I fear. But, yeah! Here's this extra long chapter! WHEEE!!!

If I don't start getting more reviews the chapters will be much shorter and much less frequent. It's kinda annoying…sorry. Forget that threat…Wow, this author's not alone is about a third of a page. By the way, this chapter is over 3000 words! So long and good night!


	9. Sirius' Juice

Author's Note: How's your spleen? Good, good. Well, anyways, I would like to thank my two reviewers, RainbowCookie318 and Mage-Alia. You both give me great ideas! Yay you! Well, I'm gonna use most of the ideas you gave me since they're pretty…FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC!!! Well, this chapter will probably only be a few pages long. I'm gonna eventually try to make a super-duper long one. I don't know when, but when it happens I'm guessing it'll take me a couple of weeks. But that's just a ball-park number. Yeah, so, plushie of the week is…Tenna!!! I don't think I did that one yet…Anyways, on to the chappie. By the way, to list Johnny's mental illnesses I am literally looking at all of the ones listed on Wikapedia cross-referencing the symptoms to Johnny. Holy fudge I'm only on the Bs…and it's 3:35 in the morn on July first. Be happy I love my readers. Also, I was thinking of also making it a crossover with my other fic and terminating that one. Mostly cause that would just be easier. WAY easier. The other one is just me and my friend going to Hogwarts...but be warned, this may make the fic super cookoo nutso. Just tell me in the reviews…bah, reviews…(I make a funny!) By the way, I'm high on Red Bull and it's 5:19 on the second of July. Yes, bits and pieces are being added on to this Author's Note as I come up with ideas at ungodly hours…

Johnny had to admit, the waffles were fantastic. Not to mention the juice was yummy.

"What juice was that?"

"Pumpkin juice. Why?"

"It was good. Kinda nutty after taste."

"Mine didn't taste like that…" Squeegee was wondering why their juices tasted different. Surely they both had the same juice.

"Well, that's not right…SIRIUS!"

Sirius came running into the kitchen and skidded to a halt and almost fell.

"I didn't do it!"

"Who said I was going to accuse you of something?" Mrs. Weasley had her hands on her hips and her lips pursed.

"Natural reaction?"

"What did you do to Johnny's juice?"

"I put in some hazel nut extract…and cherry flavored cough syrup. With maybe a little dash of…" he mumbled the last word so no one could hear.

"What did you say?"

"Veritaserum…"

"WHAT!? YOU IDIOT! HE COULD BE ALERGIC TO AN INGREDIENT! HE'S A MUGGLE FOR MERLIN'S SAKE! YOU MORON!"

"Um, I feel fine…"

"Oh. Okay…"

"You sure there's nothing wrong wit h you?"

"Well, I have various mental illnesses but…other then that, I'm okay. Except for a minor case of malnutrition and the sniffles." (Red Bull has a soapy after taste…yum!)

"SIRIUS ORION BLACK! YOU IMBICILE! LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE! NOW HE WON'T BE ABLE TO TELL ANYTHING BUT THE TRUTH!"

"Well, at least this way we can get some clear answers out of him!"

(It's not an after taste, it's a BEFORE taste…whoops, silly me! The after taste is kinda like icky medicine. But in a GOOD way!)

"What is your problem? Really, am I THAT untrustworthy?"

"Yes."

"Well, sure, I kill the occasional person, that doesn't make me an untrustworthy person!"

"You do what now?" Sirius said in a funny voice.

"I don't know, what do I do now?"

"That's not an answer…"

"Yes it is. Kind of."

"Are you insane?"

"Yes."

"Are you anything else?" Sirius was now getting into this.

"I'm bipolar, manic depressive, homicidal, suicidal, paranoid, Obsessive Compulsive. Suffer from Exposure Anxiety, Anorexia, Depersonalization disorder…(about…two hours later (yep, I had to quit…no more looking a mental illness symptoms for me!))…dissociative amnesia, ummm…that's all I can remember of what the doctors said."

"Oh. Okay" Sirius said weakly.

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why'd you wanna know if I had anything else?"

"No reason." _Shouldn't the potion have worn off?_

"Oh, okay then." Johnny turned and walked out the room.

ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ

_Hey, Shmee, what's wrong with Johnny?_

_Nothing, he's perfectly fine._

_No he's not._

_WORRY ABOUT YOURSELF! STOP WORRYING ABOUT HIM! HE'S AN ADULT!_

"If you say so, Shmee…" Squee sighed, he was always worried. Mr. Scary-Neighbor-Man was…nice to him. He wasn't used to that. So, of course, he got sad when Johnny got sad. He was like Squee's older brother, albeit his crazy older brother. Squee new that Johnny would do anything to protect him and that Johnny wasn't even taking care of himself.

_You know that I only want what's best for YOU…you are my existence._

_Is that the only reason you get rid of the nightmares?_

_No, I'm really here for you, my little Dreamboy…_

"Okay. If you say so, Shmee…"

"Who're you talkin' to?" Said the man who put stuff in Johnny's drink…he must be a bad man.

_No, he's good. He wanted to HELP. You like people who help._

"Shmee, he's my teddy bear."

"Oh?"

"You wanna see?" Squee pulled the beaten up bear out from behind his back.

"Oh, he's a cute beary!"

Squee's eyes were big. Not because of fear, but because someone liked Shmee other then him. Of course, Johnny was crazy and Pepito was Satan's child, but really, even the other kids at skool found the beaten and scared bear weird. Or maybe it was just Squee that they found weird.

"Heehee."

"Yes you are!" The man was okay even if he DID give Johnny weird juice.

_WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING YOU IDIOT! GET HIM OFFA ME! HE'S DEMENTED! GODDAMNIT! STOP STANDING THERE AND GET ME BACK INTO YOUR HANDS! THIS MAN SMELLS LIKE NASTY!_

"Um, can I get 'im back?"

"Of course," he put out the hand that he was holding Shmee with and passed him over. "Here."

"Thank you sir."

Please, call me Sirius. And what's your name?"

"Todd. But Johnny and Pepito call me Squee. So does my mommy and daddy. When they talk to me…"

"Why aren't you with your parents?" Sirius had just thought them dead, but apparently not.

"Oh, Johnny doesn't like them, so he took me away. He said that the way they acted was wrong…'nd that he wanted me ta not turn out like him."

"Okay. So, you're not related to him?"

"Nope. If we are, we don't know about it anyways…"

"So, how do you know Johnny?"

"We're neighbors. Sometimes scary noises come from his house, but that's it. He's nice to me and usually comes over to borrow a band-aid or Bactine…he gets hurt lots."

"Why?"

"'Cause people hurt him…?"

"But why?"

"I dunno…it's impolite to ask…so, I give him what he needs and then he either leaves or tells me a bed time story. But usually he just leaves."

"What types of stories?"

"Um, things like mutant troll babies and stuff…but he's nice ta me."

He never hurts you?"

"Uh-uh. Never. But he hurt Shmee REAL badly. He stabbed him. Shmee says he's a bad man. But I think he's great. He takes care a me."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, Shmee said some stuff about him…and…well, they were mean things, so, he pulled out his knife and ripped him apart…he didn't used to be sewed up like that. Just then, Pepito came into the room.

"Hey, Squee! C'mon! We gotta wreak havoc! C'mon, c'mon, c'mon!" Pepito bounced out of the room.

"Okay." Squee followed after him, dragging Shmee on the floor.

Author's end Note: Okay, so the beginning author's note was really long. But, come ON! It makes things more interesting. If you didn't read it, you really should, cause if no one gives me advice, I'll add in my characters and you'll have to deal with the consequences. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Really, though, I don't write for myself, I write for others. This chapter is almost one thousand three hundred words. That will be what I'm going to write. Almost done. Four more words. DONE!


	10. Dookie Blood

Author's Note: Okay…I forgot what the last chapter was about…Grrrrrr…I'm leaving in less than a month so I want to thank everyone who's reviewed me or who's added me to one list or another…I'll be right back. Okay, so, my brain is hurting something bad like. I'm highly amazed that no one has flamed me. Really, that's fudge-buttering amazing. Of course I may have just killed anyone who would flame me with the scary-ness of my A-mAZ-ing NESS!!!! Mwahahahahaha. Now, back on topic, I've gotta be honest, my Internet is being stoopid so, I can't get the list. I remember nothing…wow, I suck. This is chapter TEN! I noticed that I am lacking in almost any disclaimer so…here:

DISCLAIMER!!!: I OWN NOTHING! Really, all HP characters belong to J.K. Rowling and all JTHM and SQUEE characters belong to the amazing…JHONEN VASQUEZ!!! GO JHONEN! He's the bestest person alive! Sorry, It's one in the morning so I'm not exactly thinking clearly. Well, I'm not going to be writing much tonight, but in the mean time…who wants ta read an interview that I took the liberty of getting with our belov-ed Johnny?? I don't care if you want it or not! You're gonna read it and you're gonna LIKE IT!!!!!

Johnny: Who're you?

Me: I am…someone…  
Johnny: Get out of my house!

Me: NO! I'm here for an interview and an interview I shall GET! Now, what's your favorite…color…?

Johnny: Black…?

Me: LIAR, LIAR, PANTS ON FIRE! Why don't you kill Devi?

Johnny: Because, I didn't want to. WHO ARE YOU!?

Me: I am someone. Why don't you like Mr. Eff? We all know he just wants what's best for you!

Johnny: He is a piece of Styrofoam! Besides, why do you care? YOU'RE ONE OF THEEEEMMMM AREN'T YOU!?? AREN'T YOU!?

Me: Maybe…no. I'm just another…person I guess you could say.

Johnny: Who are you? You have to be one of them! No normal person would fly to Brazil in the middle of the night!

Me: I'm not actually here. I'm actually safe at home. You are in the MATRIX! CHICKEN LARVA!

Johnny: You're one of the homeless insane who reads Happy Noodle Boy, aren't you?

Me: No, besides, I've been saying things like that WAY before I EVER read HNB! Now, back to the subject of you, would you say that you love Mr. Samsa?

Johnny: Nooo…

Me: How about Jimmy. You remember him, right? Why not make him into your protégé?

Johnny: Jimmy was sick.

Me: So? So are you! Can I be your protégé?

Johnny: Um, weird child, get out of my house before you are removed piece by piece.

Me: I TOLD you! You can't kill me!

Johnny: I'll sure as fuck try! Get OUT!

Me: Fine, you fucking ass face! **Walks out the door and pulls it most of the way shut** BY THE WAY, YOU'RE ONE WACKY ASS MOTHER FUCKER! WACKY, WACKY, WACKY!!!!

With that, I ran to the nearest telephone and got pulled out of the Matrix.

Really, that was a filler story, but I SWEAR, that's what happened. Don't worry; I'll get back to the story. Tomorrow.

So, it's tomorrow. And I still have no ideas. I hope you liked that sick interview. I've been reading way too much. And drawing. I have decided! Here's the REAL CHAPTER!

Squee wasn't sure why he was doing this. It seemed okay before, at home, watching Pepito messing with the people who were mean to them. But this was different; he didn't know these people.

"Pepito, I don't think we should be doing this. Someone could get hurt…"

"Why do you care? You've never cared before!"

"Before they deserved it! We don't KNOW these people!"

"Well, I could tell you some…things about them."

"FINE!" Sounding like the five year old he was.

"Well, yesterday, Harry and Ronald called Johnny crazy. And today, that man, Sirius put weird stuff in his drink. They don't like Johnny. You want to protect Johnny doncha?"

"Yeah, b-but, well, maybe it wasn't meant like that…"

"Why aren't you any fun anymore, amigo?"

"I don't know…I just don't wanna ruin Johnny's chance…"

"He's not doing this for himself!"

"Wadaya mean?"

"He doesn't WANT to teach them!" Well, he must. Otherwise why would he? "He's doing it for you! He's doing this so YOU are protected! Really, he loves you like you were his very own flesh and blood! _Carajo!"_

"What'd I do?"

"You made him leave! He was supposed to take care of the wall monster! You're still my best friend though."

"Why does Johnny have ta do that?"

"I-I dunno…" Pepito may have been a child of Satan, but that didn't make him any less five years old.

"W-why? Why do bad things always happen ta him?"

"I'm sorry, Squee. You're right. We should get to know them before we do anything…"

"We SHOULD get the meany who put that weird stuff in Johnny's drink."

"I miss Woofles…"

"Your dog?"

"Yeah…he's a good doggy…"

"O-okay…um, so, what're we gonna do ta Sirius?"

"We should…pour salsa on his bed and make him drink his pee!"

"OHHH!! NO, we should have Dookie Blood chase him!"

"EWWW!!! That's ICKY!!" They giggled maniacally for a few minutes and then tried to figure out how to get Dookie Blood.

"How's about the twins? They'd help!"

"Oooo…yeah! Daddy wanted to recruit them. They're in their last year of magic skool."

"Cool!" Squee's usual scardy cat self was happily plotting the 'destruction' of the man who hurt Johnny.

"Well, c'mon, let's go find them!"

The two five-year-old boys ran from the room and searched the house from top to bottom in search of the other dastardly duo.

ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ

"Hey, you're the two who came with Johnny, right?" Said one of the twins.

"Yes, I am Pepito, by the way. My father has told me much about you. He hopes to acquire your services after you graduate, Fredrick. You too, George."

"Who is your father?"

"Satan. But he prefers Senior Diablo. He says that you are very smart and that you would be perfect minions."

"O-kay…well, we'll keep that in mind. Anyway, what did you want?"

"We were wondering if you could help us prank Sirius. He put stuff in Johnny's drink."

"Well…he IS one of our inspirations…but then again, Johnny IS a guest and it's very impolite to poison guests…"

"So, we'll help you."

"For a price…"

"You have to tell us what Johnny does."

"What do you mean?"

"He's not an exterminator."

"He is."

"Not."

"IS!"

"What does he exterminate?"

"People."

"You do realize that not only is that unethical it is also illegal?"

"Yeah, but he only kills really bad people who need to die anyways. Or at least that's what Daddy says."

"Kid, your dad is Senor Diablo."

"So? That doesn't mean that he's a bad person!"

"He tortures people."

"So? They are the damned. They don't matter."

"Just because they made a few mistakes in life doesn't mean that they should be tortured after!"

"We're getting off topic, Gred. We'll help you guys. But only because Johnny seems cool. We're gonna look past his past."

"That was a REALLY bad pun, Forge."

"Well, who cares?"

"Point, point. So, Wadaya have in mind?"

"We were hoping to force him to sing instead of speak and also, only LOVE songs." Squee had a maniacal grin on his face.

"Hmmm, I think we can do that."

Author's NOTE: Okay, chicos and chicas, my brain's not working too well. I was working on a side story with my friend that I will post soon. I promise. It's about Johnny and Snape. Heehee. I loved writing it, even though it drove me cookoo. So, yeah, I'm going to camp in a couple of weekies. Also, check out my other story, Merlin Bless America (I'm no good at titles! So SUE ME!) That was co-written by my great friend, Gothalie. She's about to post HER totally amazing story Thomas and Gemma. She's GREATERIFIC! Go check her out! I know that this chapter was suck-ish btw. I'm also working on summer homework okay? Toddles, my buddies!


	11. Pranks and Angst

Author's Note: I am so super sorry for not updating recently! I've become slightly OCD on other things. But this IS chapter 11 and I have been writing for only just over a month. I am heading to camp on the thirtieth and I won't be back for just under three weeks. Am I getting boring with my chapters, by the way? I love suggestions and I will be using quite a few. And my friend and I are working on little side stories (Such as Mysterious Owls Of Nny and Snape) and though those are being written through e-mail, it's still sometimes hard to write some of the things that we say (we each got a character and we wrote letters for them, I was Nny by the way). Also, I've recently fallen back in love with Invader Zim and am working on a story for that as well, so far it's crap. Last chapter, I randomly decided that I didn't want to figure out the whole Dookie Blood thing (mostly 'cause it'll cause nightmares) so I went with something that I'm kinda using in my other story! By the way, it's two sixteen in the morning and I'm listening to a song I haven't heard in a LONG time.

DISCLAIMER!: I own nothing in this story 'cept for da plot and a couple of OC's that shall be showing themselves soon (Fudge bottoms! I forgot who they are!!!). Man, I wish I owned some tuna. Or a cupcake…GIR ate my last one…this makes me sad. Anyways, I'm gonna move on. Toodles Boodles!

"And I…will always…love you!!!" Sirius was going just a little crazy. Every time he opened his mouth to speak in the past two days, stupid love songs would come out. This time, he was trying to insult Snape.

"What did you say?"

"Will always love youuuu!!!!!!" Sirius stomped out of the room aggravated that he couldn't insult the slimy git.

"Oh, Professor Snape, you will have to pardon him, he hasn't been speaking normally for a couple of days. The last thing he was able to say without out singing was 'dookie blood'." Remus stated calmly.

"Why would he say that?"

"Nightmares. He screams it every time he wakes up."

"Well, isn't THAT splendid."

"Mmhmm. We're not really sure who did it. We've tried everything. The twins have sworn on their magic that it wasn't their idea. Johnny isn't magical, so he couldn't have done it, nor are Squee or Pepito."

"Who and who?"

"Oh, that's right! You haven't met them yet! Well, Johnny is a young man from Brazil who is going to be teaching at Hogwarts this year and we've all pretty much came to the conclusion that Squee and Pepito are his children. We don't know for a fact though. But I've heard Johnny telling Squee bedtime stories. He doesn't like Pepito very much but I think that it may be because Squee looks more like him. Also, we have heard him mumbling about a girl named Devi. So, one may assume that they were in a relationship and she passed on leaving him with the children."

"I highly doubt that. That man is insane. He is a mass murderer. I don't think that he would have the mental ability to be able to handle two children. How old are they?"

"Oh, both are five."

"So, you believe that an unstable man would be able to raise two five year olds?"

"Well, why else would he have brought them with him."

"Who knows? Personally, I don't give a flying rats arse and I don't see why you do."

"One question, how do you know so much about Johnny?"

"He tried to kill me a few weeks ago."

"He did?" Remus said skeptically.

"Yes, he did. He held a knife to my throat and said that he would do it without remorse."

"Johnny wouldn't."

"It seems you don't know your guest as well as you should."

"Remus! Get in here! I have to tell you something very important!" Sirius stumbled out of the kitchen and practically tripped over his own feet. Remus went over and all three of the men went into the kitchen.

"Why aren't you singing anymore?" Remus semi-mumbled.

"Well, Black? What's so important that you tripped over your own feet?"

"Johnny is a murderer. And he's insane. Really, really insane."

"Is this some elaborate prank?"

"What do you mean?"

"Severus, here, just got through telling me that Johnny pulled a knife on him."

"See, you two have something in common, you've both tried to kill me. And you're both insane criminals."

"I'M NOT INSANE!"

"Well, you're acting the part, Black."

"Shut it, Snivillus, you're just sad that not even crazy people who talk to themselves like you."

"He seemed at least somewhat sane when I met him."

"Ha! Yeah, real sane, holding a knife to someone's throat."

"Severus?"

"Yes, Lupin?"

"Before, didn't you say that they were BOTH criminally insane?"

"Yes."

"But just now you said that Johnny seemed at least somewhat sane. Why the sudden change of heart?"

"What are you talking about?" Johnny walked in the room sipping a can of soda.

"Not much." Remus decided that the polite thing to do was not to let on that he thought Johnny was not fit to care for two children. "But I do have a question for you."

"Ask away!" Johnny put on a gentle smile.

"Are Todd and Pepito your children?"

"No."

"Why are they with you, then?"

"Oh, simple."

"What's simple about it?" Remus pushed gently.

"I do believe that that is none of your business and asking about it again could have some…serious repercussions."

"Oh. Okay, then."

"Anyone else want to ask anything?" His gentle smile showing what itself for what it really was: maniacal.

"Yes, do you like chicken?" Molly Weasley walked into the room and started getting things together to make dinner with.

"Um…I don't remember…I think so."

"Good. Would you four mind running to the store for me? We need more tomatoes and potatoes."

"I don't have anything better to do!" Johnny puffed his chest out and put his hands on his hips while throwing on a huge smile that only seemed vaguely insane.

"Nor do I."

"Accidentally in love…" Sirius was back to singing mode.

"I'm free, I believe. I just have to tell Potter something."

ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ

Harry spun around at the sound of a door closing and hid the knives he was holding up his sleeves.

"Potter, what are you hiding in your sleeves?"

"Nothing, Professor." He lied quickly.

"Nothing, or something?"

"Nothing, sir, just my arms."

"What are you hiding on your arms?"

"Nothing. I just meant that my arms were in my sleeves all alone." (Wow. That was a…special sentence.)

"If that is the case then pull up your sleeves."

Harry resigned himself to just listening to his professor.

"Harry? Have you seen my blades?" Johnny had walked in looking for his blades. "They aren't where I usually put them."

"I have them," Harry mumbled. In the past two days he and Johnny had become fast friends, discussing philosophy and trying to make Sirius speak.

"What were you doing with them? I thought we agreed that you would ask if you wanted to see them!" Johnny was seething; he had thought that he could trust this kid and what did he do? He took his favorite knives without asking!

"I'm sorry, I just REALLY wanted to see them. Sorry, Nny…"

"Too late now, Rry. What's done is done. Forget it…" Johnny wasn't in the arguing mood, he'd been really tired all day and he couldn't figure out what was wrong.

"Nny? Rry? Really, could you two be anymore sentimental?"

"What do you mean?"

"You expect me to believe that you are not dating?"

"We're NOT! I don't date kids ten years younger than me, that's just SICK!"

"Yeah! Besides, he's a professor! And I'm not gay!"

"Neither am I! I kind of have a girlfriend!"

"Kind of?"

"Yeah, we got into a fight…"

"And what happened? You killed her?"

"No, you jackass! She beat the shit out of me!" Johnny would rather allow it to be known that a girl had beaten him up than to have people think that he was abusive.

"Oh. Um, sorry." Said Snape…Senor Diablo had to wear a down jacket at work that day.

"Eh, I deserved it. Anyways, I'll just be taking my knives back and getting those tomatoes and potatoes." He picked up his knives and walked out of the room in a dignified matter, only to trip on Shmee. "SATANIC BEAR!"

"Shmee's not satanic!"

"Yeah! Don't insult mi papi!"

"HEY! Shmee isn't bad!" Johnny, Sirius in dog form, and Remus walked away from the house listening to the two five year olds scream at each other.

"Are they always like that?"

"Of course not! They're the best of friends. The only reason Pepito came with us is because I was worried that Squee would feel alone without another kid his age. It just happens that everyone else thinks he's a freak."

"Why would you say that?"

"Because I don't lie. People call him a freak. Just like they do to me and to Pepito. And lots of other people. But really, who are they to judge?" Johnny shrugged and then started to giggle maniacally as they walked past the convenience store that he had killed that stupid blond clerk in.

"What's so funny?"

"Whales wearing blond wigs." Johnny's eyes started tearing up and he almost tripped over his own feet.

"Wadaya mean?"

"Nothing…nothing at all. Blond Whales!" He shrieked the last part and grabbed his stomach from the giggle cramps.

"Um, Johnny, people are STARING at us."

"So? Why is it their business? TURN AROUND YOU SHMOES!" He screeched at the surrounding crowd. Everyone turned back around, except for a man who looked like he came straight from the eighteen hundreds. "I was talking to EVERYONE!"

"Lupin, is this your new beau?"

"Excuse me, I'm not homosexual, _sir_." Johnny gave the man a sneer and pushed his hand into his jacket pockets, readying himself to stab the man.

"And neither am I!"

"Of course not."

"Shut up,"

"So articulate, you haven't even introduced yourself."

"I don't tend to introduce myself to people whose lifespan is coming to a quick halt." The man took the snake headed cane he had and put the sharp fangs of the snake to Johnny's neck.

"Was that a threat?"

"Yeah, it was, what're you gonna do about it?"

"How about I puncture a couple of arteries?"'

"Go eat goat spleen."

"How…sweet…another insane boyfriend, Remus?"

"SHUT UP WITH THAT 'BOYFRIEND' SHIT!" Johnny pulled out his knives and attempted to stab the man but the man pulled away and the snake fangs bit deep into Johnny's flesh causing his neck to…bleed?

"JOHNNY! STOP! We have to get the tomatoes!"

"I like tomatoes…" Johnny stops, considering his choices. On the one hand, he could kill this man and have a cool story to tell Harry…on the OTHER hand, he could get the tomatoes and potatoes and have yummy food for dinner and then go and hunt down this man…decisions, decisions… "Okay, tomatoes it is! But don't worry, I'll be back for you later!" he put his knives away and skipped down the block. As they entered the grocery, Johnny noticed that Remus was staring at him. "What?"

"You just tried to murder Lucius Malfoy…I've wanted to do that for YEARS!" Remus was wide eyed and had his mouth hanging open.

"Eh, he's no one…man, I can't WAIT for dinner! I like food…SKETTIOS!" He saw the familiar can and dropped the bag of marshmallows he was holding and ran over. (Please, don't ask me why he had marshmallows…I personally don't want to come up with a good reason.)"Can we get the Skettios?"

"Um, sure…I guess…what're Skeevios?"

"NO! SKET-TI-OHS!"

"OH! Skettios!"

"Exactly! Now, where be the veggies?" He walked over to a little old lady with a plastic bag on her hair. "Do you know where the potatoes are?"

"THE END IS NEAR!"

"Is it really?" Johnny was genuinely curious and did not notice that the bag-haired lady was pulling out a wand. She held the wand to his head.

"Well, yours is anyway." She pulled off the bag revealing long black hair. Her heavily made up eyes were dark and void-like.

"LeStrange!"

"Hello, Lupin."

"You know each other?" Johnny may be crazy but he wasn't stupid. He was trying to distract her long enough to put a blade through her stomach, or punch her in the back, either would be good enough. (I can't kill her yet! NOO!!!)

"We go WAY back." She leaned close to Remus and whispered something under her breath; Johnny took this chance to knock her out.

_SWISH! _He brought the flat of the blade to her back and she stumbled into Remus kissing him and passing out simultaneously.

"BLECH! OH GOD! OH DEAR GOOD LORD!"

"What?"

"Her LIPS! They…they TOUCHED MINE!"

"Stop being a pussy." Johnny shoved past him, grabbed the vegetables that they needed and paid for everything.

ABCDEFGHIJCLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ

Johnny, a traumatized Remus and the still transformed and newly more traumatized Sirius returned to Grimmauld Place and walked inside.

"Johnny!"

"Harry!"

(Donkey!)

"When did they start going out?" Asked one of the twins.

"We are not dating!" Johnny was pissed off that people kept on insinuating that he was gay.

"I'm not gay!"

"I've said twenty GOGOLION TIMES! I am NOT GAY!" (Hey, guess what? GOGOLION is an actual word! And if it isn't, word's spell-check is SHIT!)

"Hey, guess what? I found out that my cousin was brutally murdered!" Harry was jumping up and down with excitement.

"The one you said looked like a blond…FUCK!" Johnny put three and five together and found eight. "Whoops…" he looked properly chastised.

"What?"

"You said he looked like a blond whale…and ummm…this…guy…who kinda sorta looked like a whale…well, you see, he mentioned bullying this kid…named Harry…and well, we hadn't discussed him then and well…I kinda accidentally blew him up?"

"You…you KILLED my cousin?"

"I THINK so…I'm not definite…he never actually told me his name. It's just that he was an asshole and he, well; he tried to punch me in the face…so I kinda chopped off his hand. And well, yeah, a few other unimportant things happened and then I kinda…accidentally had my Tazer set to 'Kill a whale'."

"So THAT'S what you meant when you said you were covered in whale blubber…I was wondering…"

"You do realize that he just confessed to MURDER don't you!?" Remus was panicking slightly, he was worried about this man's violent streak being released amongst the students…then he remembered what happened to Lucius. "You know…never mind. So, Johnny, shall we bring Molly her fruits and veggies?"

"Wait, does that mean that it doesn't matter that Harry's cousin is dead?"

"Eh, the worlds probably better off…" Harry shrugged it off and walked up the stairs contemplating pay back on Johnny for killing the second person on his hit list.

ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ

_What's wrong, Harry?_ 'Said' a stuffed bird toy Harry had dubbed Velocity.

"Johnny killed my cousin."

_But I thought that you hated your cousin…_

"I wanted to kill him myself!"

**Harry, you shouldn't kill him. You want to KILL people! You SHOULD kill yourself! You're a menace to society! I'm saying this as a friend. Do this for everyone…that way they won't have to worry about your safety…that way they can worry about themselves.** 'Said' his stuffed fish toy, Sparksky.

Don't listen to either of them! Sparksky and Velocity LIE! You should do what YOU want! Only what you want! Said his stuffed Snowman, Chris. (Thank you Gothalie!)

"I wanted to kill him myself!"

_Kill someone else. How about…Malfoy? He's always bugging you! Get him on the first day and keep the wall wet._

"That'd cause a huge deal 'cause of his 'Daddy'. God, how I hate him!"

_Why don't you kill Johnny?_

"He can't be killed. I caught him trying to kill himself a couple of days ago and for some reason, nothing worked…is that the same for me? Can I do anything and not get caught?"

"I always wondered when you would finally ask that." Johnny's Styrofoam figure, Mr. Eff or something like that, approached Harry. "Yes, you can. But, if you ever try to harm an innocent…certain things will happen. Johnny's only done that once. Really, he paid dearly for it. He was unable to freeze his and Devi's love for eternity and that happened only days after the innocent's death. Also, he shot someone the day after that fateful date. Then, there was this whole two weeks where he didn't do anything…He almost died actually. But at the last second he got a brain-freezy and he was fine. But the point is that Johnny paid the same way anyone like him would. I would love to tell you more, but that's just not your business."

"I understand. So, would you help me choose who to kill?"

"Fine, but don't touch Johnny. I need him. Or anyone under the age of twelve. Yes, I know, it's kind of ridiculous; all children under the age of twelve are innocent. There are very few people over fifteen who are innocent. Johnny actually found one and was then dumb enough to kill him. But anyway, since your voices don't seem to be helping you too much, I will. Now, how insane would you say you are?"

"I'm half way to nutso…at least that's what I think…"

"Okay, that's easy enough…who do you know that's over twelve that is such a jackass that they just NEED to die?"

"Professor Snape?"

"No, he's on Johnny's mental hit-list. Besides, you must stick to your age group."

"What's my age group?"

"Ages thirteen through eighteen. You see, we are very organized; we don't want people killing the wrong age group. But since you and Johnny have met, you can kill anyone. And he can kill anyone over the age of fifteen."

"How are you able to speak out loud?"

"Oh, easy, I've been with Johnny since he was about…seven. Doughboy too. Nail-Bunny is just Johnny's sanity. You have the same things that he does. That little birdie is your version of me. Hello, Velocity, what happened to that other person?"

_Oh, that little girl? She died. Now she's causing all kinds of chaos. Strange, she's friends with that old vampire, Ragamuffin. Too bad he was changed it to a rag doll…he was cool…_

"Ah, little Lenore. She was such a little sweet-heart with those little poison cupcakes…" Mr. Eff turned back to Harry, "Your version of Psycho Doughboy is Sparksky. You're lucky, Psycho Doughboy is much more annoying."

"So that means that my sanity is in a stuffed snowman?"

"Only about half of it. You are still much more sane than Johnny. You really don't want to know what would happen if you were totally insane."

"I would be like Johnny, wouldn't I?"

"Yes and no. Johnny still has about one tenth of his sanity. Also, he's not magical and he's not in charge of the destruction of that NUSANCE!"

"Who? Voldemort?"

"No, the TOOTH FAIRY! OF COURSE VOLDEMORT!" Ron kicked open the door and walked in to see Harry looking at Mr. Eff.

"What's with the yelling about You-Know-Who?"

"I don't know what you're talking about…you must be hearing things."

"Oh, well, dinner's almost done and Johnny has left the building."

"Oh? Why?"

"Something about getting away from the voices or something like that…I have to tell the truth, I wasn't listening. Anyways, he should be back for dinner, mum's making 'skebitio's' or whatever they are for him…"

"'Skettios, Ron, 'skettios."

"Oh, whatever. Well, mum wants you to help me set the table. Also, Sirius is having an argument with his mum and we need you to pull the curtains closed with us. The twins, Remus and I can't do it for some reason."

"Okay. Well, afterwards, we should probably try to finish the Homework for Git-face."

"Oh, nice insult. Also, I've already finished that. When you're not getting mail that you have to reply to it's awfully easy to do that stuff."

"I told you! We didn't have a choice in the matter! Dumbledore said that the owl's could've been intercepted!"

"So? That doesn't mean that you can't send me things saying 'hi, how're you, today I ate soggy cereal'!"

"But still! Every time we would try to write something, Dumbledore would show up and would take the letters from us and say that it was for the better of the world if we didn't say anything. He promised us that you would come here and…well…we couldn't send anything…"

"You keep on saying that! It still doesn't make it better! Do you KNOW what I went through? I had to FIGHT OF TWO DEMENTORS! I had to save my cousin's soul! Then, oh, here's the BEST part! I had to live through NIGHT after NIGHT of nightmare. Cedric Diggory is DEAD! Voldemort KILLED HIM! I SAW IT!"

"I know, okay? Stop acting like no one understands you! Merlin's under-roos, Harry, you're not all important!"

"I'm not SAYING that I am! I'm saying that I thought that I had friends! But apparently NOT!"

"You've changed. Really, the Harry I thought I knew would have just let it go…but you really are different. I've apologized about twenty billion times! Just come off it!"

"Just leave me alone!"

"Ever since Johnny came here you've been…more…mean to everyone. Why?"

"It has nothing to do with Johnny. He's my friend, okay?"

"Before Monday you didn't even know him! You two hated each other up until two days ago!"

"So?"

"So? Are you KIDDING me? You-I thought…never mind…"

"NO! What. Did. You. Think?"

"I thought that you were my best friend. I thought that I knew you! Okay? Is that what you wanted to hear, you self pretentious PRICK?"

"Yeah. That is what I wanted to hear." Harry sneered at Ron and stomped out of the room, only to run into Johnny.

"You okay, kid?"

"Yeah, Nny, I'm just fine." Harry stomped out into the hall and punched the wall next to Mrs. Black's covered portrait.

"FILTHY MUDBLOODS! DISGUSTING BLOOD TRAITORS! THEY DARE SOIL THE MOST NOBLE AND ANCIENT HOUSE OF BLACK? WE ARE TO BE RESPECTED BY YOU FILTHY MUDBLOODED FREAKS!"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU OLD WENCH!" Mrs. Black actually stopped speaking when Harry screamed at her.

"Oh, yeah, you're REAL okay. Wanna join me for a walk?"

"Yeah, sure…" Harry sighed and followed Johnny out the door.

"So, what's up?"

"Insinuation."

"What are people insinuating, may I ask?"

"They are insinuating that we are dating. Or that I am changing because of you."

"Well, someone insinuated that I was dating Remus, that doesn't mean that it's true. Also, Remus insinuated that Squeegee and Pepito belong to me."

"Wow. Well, why didn't you kill him?"

"Because…I can't. I need to keep this job. Squee's future is more important than my reputation. Really, I will kill the person that insinuated that I was dating Remus, but that's different."

"How's it different?"

"Well, this man just walked up to us and stated it. At least Remus was…polite about it."

"Oh, okay…so, who was the guy?"

"Apparently some douche named Lucius Malfoy…or some such bull-shit. Anyways, Remus actually congratulated me on threatening him, so I guess that he's not ALL bad…besides, if people were unassuming, we would never learn from past mistakes. Which really fucking sucks. Making mistakes, I mean. Not learning. Learning is good."

"Speaking of learning, what shall I be learning in your class?"

"How to kill 101."

"Really?"'

"No. It's weapon to weapon and hand to hand defensive methods. I don't only know how to kill. I mean, really, I have to know how to defend against so called 'worthy' adviceries, though the only thing that they would be worthy in would be fighting even though technique and strategy are important too."

"Hmmm…so, does that mean that I would not be worthy?"

"Not by a long shot, you would probably die in minutes against me. If I went against you full strength. But chances are you'll be ahead of you classmates, even if it is a with a D instead of an F."

"Why're you gonna grade us that hard? We're just teenagers."

"Because, if someone fucks up in my class, someone could end up with a very sharp Scythe through their head."

"So? If you mess up in Transfiguration your insides could become your outsides."

"I've done that to someone before…it was tricky."

"Well, we should probably go back."

"Nah, we still have a while. Besides, I need to ask you something."

"What?"

"Why were you talking to Mr. Eff?"

"I wasn't talking to Mr. Eff."

"Don't lie. I KNOW you were." Johnny was glaring at him and began to reach into his pockets. "Do I need to teach you another lesson in respecting people's privacy?"

"N-No. Sorry, J-Johnny, I s-shouldn't have spoken to him." Harry was backing up, knowing that he had no weapons at hand.

"Don't walk away from me, Harry…" Johnny had his knives out and was advancing slowly but consistently.

"Y-you don't have to do this." Harry's voice was trembling as he stumbled into a wall.

"It's called punishment. In the past day you have lied to me and you have stolen my FAVORITE KNIVES! FOR FUCKS SAKE HOW DO YOU THINK I SHOULD BE REACTING?! Should I just tell your Aunt and Uncle to lock you in your cupboard again?" Johnny was trying his hardest to not just all out attack Harry, but he was having some problems with his impulse control.

"Why would you bring that up?" Harry was no longer scared and was seething with the anger that he had dismissed earlier. "You KILLED my cousin! I WAS GOING TO DO THAT! THAT WAS MY JOB! STAY OFF MY TURF!"

"I DIDN'T FUCKING KNOW!"

"Sure, of course you didn't. I bad mouth you and you go out in the middle of the night and you 'accidentally' kill my cousin!"

"How the FUCK was I supposed to know who your cousin was? I had known you for about…five HOURS!"

"Fuck this! I'm going back, I don't CARE what you do!"

"Then I'll just go back to Brazil."

"What about Squee? Isn't he the only one you care about?"

"I don't care anymore. I'm going to just go home."

"Fine." Harry walked away and as soon he was out of Johnny's line of sight, sprinted to Grimmauld.

"Maybe it's time to give up. This time, I'll go through with it."

ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ

Back in Brazil, a certain girl was sitting at home.

"Devi, you really should get out-you've been in here FOREVER! C'mon, this week at the Camera they're showing all the movies that never made any money because they forced people to think. Tomorrow, it's Subtitle day!!" Said a woman with short dreadlocks.

"Noooo. HE'S out there. I'm telling you, he's been following me. SHIT. This is SO much worse than when that homeless torso man with one arm followed me around on that little red wagon." Said Devi.

"So does this Nny guy have all of his limbs?"

"Yeah. At least the wagon-guy didn't have a free arm to hold any WEAPONS." Devi walked up to the window and looked around out side, checking for anybody.

"But you said you called the police-didn't they DO anything?"

"I called about FIFTY times, and when I called back the NEVER knew what the hell I was talking about." She walked away from the window and sat down on the floor, bringing her knees up to her chest. "FUCKERS!! They didn't do ANYTHING!! They sounded like I had never called and reported anything at all!! Oh, man, this is just too much. Do I know how to pick 'em or what?"

The women picked up a plush skeleton doll with a crop of hair and squeeked it. "And you were worried about bumping into the LAST guy you went out with."

"Yeah, well, I don't have to worry about THAT anymore. Didn't you hear? Somebody threw explosives at him while he was on the toilet at that café, all they found was his legs with the pants around the ankles."

"See, there's a good thing."

"Yeah, but Nny is a whole new thing. I think it's safe to assume that there's something WRONG with him. But I don't understand…Tonja, if you'd only see him-he was SO nice, up until that KNIFE-ATTACK thing." The women now identified as Tonja sat back down on the couch and replaced the squeaky toy. "And, now, I just know it, he's following me. I SWEAR, I can feel him watching me. One time I SAW him. He was at the window at work. It was just a flash, and then he was gone. He…Tonja…he looked like he was going to CRY. That was the last time I saw him." She made a non-commiting noise and turned to Tonja. "It felt like such a good thing with him. Have you ever HATED someone for making you like them-like them so much and then wish that they would DIE."

"But what makes you think he's STILL here? The cops must've AT LEAST gone to his house, he probably got scared and left town." Tonja passed Devi the phone. "Here, call his number-I'll bet you there's NOBODY LIVING in that house. THEN, maybe we can go to the movies tomorrow."

Devi dialed in Johnny's number and listened to it ring.

"Hello"

"Johnny?"

"I'm not here right now because I am working at a magic school in England. Chances are nobody will listen, so, therefore, I'm not breaking any laws. Shut UP, Psycho Doughboy! Please leave your name and number after the beep! OH! SHINY! **BEEP**!"

"His machine said that he's working at a magical school in England…what the fuck is he talking about?"

"OH! Like those Harry Potter books!? I LOVE those!" Tonja was jumping up and down with excitement. "Does this mean we can go to the movies?"

"Yeah, sure." Devi and Tonja went to the movies only to be annoyed by this stupid jerk sitting behind them.

ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ

Meanwhile, in England, Johnny was in a private bathroom prepping his knife. Sure, he would rather die in Brazil, but he had no way to get home. (Watch out, here comes the angst mobile!) Holding the knife, he vertically sliced his left arm, then changing sides, he did the same to his right. Sitting on the toilet seat, Johnny died in under two minutes.

END O' CHAPTER!

Authors Note: Well, yeah, this is over five thousand words! Woot! Anyway, I won't be updating for three weeks because on Monday, I'm off to CAMP! Bye, my loves! Don't you just love that chapter ending? Also, I included that scene with Tonja (or Tenna, depending on what you read) and Devi for a reason.


	12. Mistakes and Heaven

Author's note: I'm ba-ack! Hello my spleen-like friends, I have missed you all! I'm not sure how to start this new chapter but I hope everyone is pleased with the last chapter. You see, I am trying to follow the events in JTHM. So, Nny committed suicide. Sure it wasn't exactly the same way as last time and it was WAY shorter, but there you go. I'm gonna have someone find his body and eventually the information will leak back to the Order moments before the destruction and resetting of Earth. Then everything will pick up back where we left off I guess…sorry about giving away so much info. I'm tired and sick. I want hot chocolate. Then, I must contact my friend and ask her to meet me so that we may return the DVD's that I rented. Aw…I just realized that Mr. Fuck's gonna be gone soon! I'm gonna stop rambling…NOW!

Harry stomped back to headquarters fuming. _What's his problem? Geez! He's not all important! He's so STUPID! GRRR! Who's gonna take care of Squee and Pepito? He's probably on his way to Brazil right now! How're we gonna get them back home? How the fuck is HE getting home?_

"Harry, mate, where's Johnny?" Fred and George questioned him.

"Why?"

"Well, we need his advice on a couple of things." George said.

"He's gone." 

"Wadaya mean, 'gone'?"

"I mean he's probably on his way to Brazil as we speak."

**Hey, Harold James!**

_Yes, Mr. Eff?_

**You're a FUCKING TARD!**

_What did I do?_

**I don't know but YOU were the last one with Johnny and now he's DEAD!**

"Wadaya mean he's DEAD?!"

**I MEAN that he probably killed himself. He's not a stable person! You've just insured the destruction of planet Earth. He held reality! With him dead, everyone ELSE is dead!**

"But I thought that me and him were the same, shouldn't that mean that as long as I'm around, the world's around?"

**NO! You kill one flusher, you destroy the world. The others out there do not know of there role in holding everything together. But you know what? It doesn't matter…someone will reset everything. But I won't be a part of the new world. I will disappear forever, along with all of the other voices. Back to the Void for about…twenty YEARS! Then we have to move on to the next planet on the list! Irk. Good dear lord, that place doesn't need our help to make anybody crazy, Zim does that well enough on his own! **By then he was talking more to himself than to Harry. And that was when the darkness swallowed them.

ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ…now I know my ABC's and it is time to join Johnny!

"Is this…Heaven?" Johnny stood up and rubbed the back of his head with his left hand, noticing the long deep cut smeared with fresh blood.

"No, it's the Golden Gates actually." Said a man with strange glasses.

"In San Fracesco?"

"No, just outside of Heaven. Now, what's your name?"

"Jonathan C."

"C?"

"Yeah, I don't what it stands for so don't bother asking…" Johnny was very sensitive when it came to the topic of his memory loss.

"You were SUPPOSED to die in Brazil from multiple head injuries. Why is your head not messed up and WHY were you in England?"

"Well, I don't think that that's any of your business."

"Of course it is! I'm Saint Peter!"

"Who?"

"I guard the gates. I see to it that only the worthy ones STAY in Heaven. Now, lets take a look at your file…" as he opened up Johnny's files and began reading his health swiftly went down. After half a page, he was throwing up blood.

"Um…" Johnny backed away slowly for a few steps and then ran as fast as he could.

"Who do you think you are?" A girl with short brown hair was screaming at a women wearing business attire. "You are only one of the damned! Go! Do your job! Go to the gates! We have a new arrival and YOU were supposed to great him! We don't pay you to be late!"

"Yes, sorry, Ma'am."

"While you're at it, get God more Pringles!"

"Yes, of course, boss." Johnny stepped out from the shadows and approached them.

"Hello, sir, welcome to Heaven, how may I be of service?" The girl smiled politely.

"Well…I was at the gates and something appears to be wrong with Saint Philip…"

"There is no Saint Philip."

"I don't actually know his name…I just know it begins with a P."

"Okay, well, Damned Elise will get right on it. I must return to Hell, Senor Diablo will not be pleased…" (haha…the word Diablo was word #777…)

"Hello, sir, I am Damned Elise and I will be giving you a tour of Heaven." She had a monotone voice that clearly said 'I would like nothing more than to get that stick out of my ass, but I just can't get it out'.

"What's nibbling your nuts?"

"You try being damned! Day and night, night and day, I have to walk around pretending to give a flying fuck! So, sure, I was a little bit greedy, that's no reason to be condemned to HELL!"

"Pfft!"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well, I don't know Satan or God so I can't be the judge of the judges but so far, you've been rather mean to me."

"Yeah, well, did you see that little girl?"

"What of it?"

"She's terrible, mean, and bratty, but she's an angel. And she's God's and Satan's lacky!"

"That's…weird…"

"The afterlife is so fucked up…so, why're you here?"

"Oh, I slit my wrists, see?" He held up his blood caked arms for her to see.

"Wow. Why?"

"Hmm…I…don't remember…" He smiled blankly at her. "How about you, how'd you die?"

"Heart attack. I was a work-o-holic, and so I was over stressed. Then…well, everything kind of collapsed. My daughter ran away. My son was hit by a car and fell into a coma and my husband left me. Then, I got fired. The second I heard the words, I knew that I would just…DIE! Well, needless to say they tried to revive me but by the time they could really DO anything, I was gone. I watched it all though. I don't know WHY I'm damned! I led a good life!"

"No, you didn't."

"Of course I did. I was never mean or cruel!"

"Yeah, but you wasted. You just didn't pay attention. If you had enjoyed yourself a little, maybe you wouldn't be in this situation."

"Yeah, well…whatever! C'mon! Let's get this done and over with!"

"Wow…I thought Heaven would be cleaner…"

"No. The people in heaven don't feel the NEED to clean so therefore everything is a mess. Hell is slightly better. At least with cleanliness."

"Why?"

"Oh, well there's this huge eyeball in the sky and people think that it's looking at them so, they clean. And clean. And pretend to be nice. And pretend to be good. They only do it because they think that if they are 'good' they'll get sent to Heaven."

"Why do you speak down on them? Aren't you one of them?"

"Oh, no. I'm higher up. I live in…limbo. I'm damned not a sinner."

"Oh. Well…that's good-ish…"

"Yeah, except that it means that I have to deal with Little Miss Snooty Pants every single day."

"Mm…I bet I'll probably go to hell."

"No. You would be there already. Usually, only damned and angels get to see Heaven."

"Really? So, that means I have a chance?"

"Pretty much. Well…unless you're REALLY terrible."

"That'd be me…"

"Why?"

"Well…I'm an insane murderer."

"Oh…well, that sucks. Anyway, I hope you aren't going to hell anyway. I wouldn't mind having someone to talk to every once in a while."

"Thanks...Elise." Johnny smiled a true smile and they walked on until they got to and endless field of people sitting.

"Welcome to Heaven." She swept her arm across the field.

"This is it? What's so special about this?"

"Well, everybody here is content…" she shrugged her shoulders.

"So? Can't they have that on Earth?"

"Kind of…but they would still need food and the like. Here, they need nothing."

"Wow…that's really boring."

"Well, they do have a few neat tricks. They just never want to use them."

"Like what?"

"They have the power to make people's heads explode."

"Ooo, really?" Johnny started bouncing up and down.

"Yep." Elise was happy that she could show her new friend all the cool things that Heaven had to offer. "And while you're here, so can you."

Johnny being who he was immediately went over to a random man and made his head explode.

"Could you not do-" Johnny destroyed his head again.

"Excuse me, plea-" BAM.

"Sir, do you-" Kablooky!

"STOP!" He destroyed Johnny's head.

Back and forth they destroyed each others heads, disrupting others.

"HEY! I'm blissin' over here!" A women with a blond ponytail shouted. BA-BOOMY! Her head was gone.

"That's not very nice." Said an old lady. She, too, was head 'splody-ed.

"Gwanma..." said a little toddler with tear filled eyes. He jumped at Johnny. "DESWOY!!!!!!" BAM! In mid-air the toddler had been blown up.

"WHAT THE HELL!" Elise stomped over to Johnny. "I'm gonna have to clean up this entire MESS!"

"Goddamit! Everything's always MY fault! WHY?"

"YOU! I HATE YOU! GODDAMIT! LET GO OF ME!" A bunch of weird looking angel guards grabbed her and pulled her away.

Then, Johnny fell and everything went black.

A/N: I know, this chapter sucked. But really, I'm suffering from severe writers block. Darn. Anyone who has any suggestions can submit them. I want chocolate.


	13. Hell Part 1 and EVEN MORE ANGST!

Author's Note: Okay, school has started and it is now…the weekend…ugh…I'm SO bored! Anyways, I think you guys can guess what'll happen in this chapter. Mother Fucker, the first class I have on Monday is gym. No boots. So, on to the chapter.

"Where am I?" Johnny looked around him and tried to gather all of the facts.

"Where do you think you are, Johnny?"

"…Hell?"

"No duh. Well, I am Señor Diablo."

"Oh, so you're Pepito's father. I always thought that he just hated you."

"Why?"

"Well, DUH! He calls you the Devil!"

"So you automatically assumed that he hated me based on that?" Diablo raised a non-existent eyebrow at him.

"Yeah."

"Well, no one ever called you smart…" He turned his back to Johnny and clasped his hands in each other. "Well, anyway, you, my friend, are no ordinary person."

"Can we just skip all this bull? I'm bored by your antics." _I wonder if you can kill the devil…_

"HEY! I AM the devil! Think you could be a little more polite?"

"What is it with you famous types…jeez…so you run the biggest civilization in the history of the world, who gives a crap?"

"I'll have you know many people love me!"

"Yeah, but more people love God. And he's just a wee little man sitting on a recliner!"

"Ugh…I hate you Waste-Lock type people…especially you're type…you Flushers are SO ANNOYING! And I can't imagine what's going to happen when the other one comes…I suppose I'll have to keep you separate."

ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXY…Z?

_Harry, just go through with it…there's nothing left…Ron hates you, Hermione would never do Ron wrong, the twins blame you. No one would care. They would prefer it this way._ Harry had the Johnny's gun in his hand. He had killed Johnny. Squee had flipped out and had gone into a catatonic state. Everything was going wrong. Every time Pepito saw him he tried to shoot him with a fireball. "It's ending here…" he held the gun steady and shot himself straight through the brain.


	14. Hell Part 2 and Home and Some MORE ANGST

A/N: I am beginning on chapter 14 only cause I have already gotten a review for chapter 13 and it's only been up for an hour or so. Thanks dreaZALA! You get yummy, yummy cookies! And a Fridge Guy plushie! On to la chapitara! (Not a real word!) WOOHOO!

Harry woke up on a dirty, nasty, disgusting cloud thing. He looked around himself and saw these scary floating bunnies and a man sitting behind a counter. Deciding that the best thing he could do for himself was approach this man that is exactly what he did. The man was shaking and pale, not to mention surrounded by vomit.

"No more, no more, no more…" He was muttering this over and over, not acknowledging his presence at all.

"Excuse me, sir? I'm Harry Potter…I was just wondering if you could help me out. I don't exactly know where I am, you see…" He was chewing on his bottom lip and was twitching around a little bit.

"Oh! Oh, sorry, um…you weren't supposed to die for a while…HELL!" Harry fell for what felt like hours and screamed until his throat was raw. Finally, he landed.

"Whadaya MEAN 'what's going to happen when the other one comes'?!" Harry looked up and saw Johnny, his arms stained with blood, screaming at a towering figure.

"J-Johnny?"

"WHAT?" Johnny spun around quickly and saw Harry sitting on the ground in front of him. "Oh, hello, _Harold._"

"Johnny, I'm sorry. I'm SO sorry! I swear! I didn't want you to kill yourself! Squee…he's…he's gone catatonic! Pepito is trying to kill me! The twins…the twins blame me! Mr. Eff and Psycho-Doughboy are gone! Everything's GONE! Velocity! Sparksky! Chris! They're gone! I couldn't go on! You were my MENTOR! I didn't want you to-to…kill yourself." He was on his knees with his head in his hands. Johnny struck out at him with his foot, kicking him over.

"Shut the FUCK up!" He kept on beating him until Sr. Diablo pulled him off of Harry.

"I do believe my son was right in sending fireballs at you. You are filth. Appreciate this favor, chances are something like this won't happen again. Anyways, I'm sending you both back."

"Back where?" Johnny turned to him and glared.

"Back to Grimmauld place. My son's best friend needs you. Really, even my son needs you. You may hate him, but we both thank you for what you do. And those twins really liked you. I don't know how much anyone will care about your poor friend Rry, though."

"Who cares?" Johnny sneered at the pitiful figure curled up on the cement. This was the person who made him leave Squee. "What about my voices? Where are they? What happened?"

"Oh, they were sent away. They were supposed to keep you from letting out the beast before it was supposed to be released and they failed."

"Oh, okay. Can we go back now?"

"Of course," he snapped his fingers and they were engulfed in flames. "By the way, you MAY lose some hair." Johnny's eyes widened and his mouth practically fell to the floor.

ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXY…Z?

Johnny woke up in the room he shared with Ron and Harry and turned onto his side only to find that not only was he on the floor but that a very bald Harry was lying next to him. He slowly reached up to feel his own head. When he felt no soft locks, he proceeded to scream at the top of his lungs. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! NOOOOO!"

He heard the pounding of feet across the floor. The door opened and Ron ran over to him.

"Hey, Johnny, where've you been? And what happened to your hair?"

"Long story. Sorry if I worried anyone."

"You've gotta go see Todd and the twins!"

"Who?"

"You know, Todd…the little kid you brought with you? And the twins…? My brothers?"

"OH! You mean SQUEE!"

"Yeah, sure." Ron's eyebrows scrunched together in a questioning way.

"Ugh…" Harry rolled over and sat up, rubbing his head and screaming when he, too, felt nothing where his hair should be. He could feel bruises forming where Johnny had attacked him and scrambled backwards when he saw the cloven shoes a few meters away from him.

"I see you're awake." Johnny's voice was bitter and hate filled, but that didn't bother Harry. He just wanted (wow…I accidentally typed wanked…haha…) to get rid of his bruises and get rid of Johnny.

"Harry! What happened? Your hair…it's…GONE!"

"That's odd, I thought the Easter Bunny borrowed it to feed the Lawn Gnomes!" Harry stormed out and tripped over a conveniently placed rubber chicken. He walked down the corridor and into Squee and Pepito's room. "Squee? Squeegee? Johnny's back. He's in my room. C'mon Squee. You can't just stay here forever, Johnny might think you hate him…"

The twins walked in to the room and shoved past Harry. "Don't be such a little cock sucking prick, _Harold_, we all know Johnny's dead! You little FUCKER!" Fred screamed at him while George picked up Squee. They were all three walking down the hall when they heard laughter coming from Harry and Ron's room. The laughter only an insane man would have. The cackling that haunts all of his victims. They opened the door and saw him and Ron reading 'The Adventures of Marvin the Mad Muggle'. They were falling off of Ron's bed in their bouts of laughter.

"My SPLEEN aches from laughing!" Johnny was wiping tears from his eyes.

"I know! I know! Really, putting a tomato in a BLENDY? HA! AND he forgot the LID!"

"Haha! I did that once…I was trying to make my own Brain Freezies and I had put EVERYTHING in and turned it high…oh MAN that was such a huge mess…it stain most of my kitchen!" Johnny and Ron had another burst of laughter and were rolling around on the floor.

"Umm…Johnny?" Squee's eyes went huge. Just twenty minutes ago, everyone thought he was dead. Including Squee. Johnny was practically his brother. Johnny always looked out for him. "Johnny, w-where w-were you?" he began to cry.

Johnny stopped laughing and walked over to Squee. "I was dead. I'm sorry." He plopped himself on the floor and pulled him into a hug.

A/N: Chapter end because I don't wanna make this all sappy and shit.


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